Preparations for Eid

Yesterday, I got to cuddle a lovely 6 week old baby called Katy. Her mum left her with me while she went to pick up Katy's brother from school. She was beautiful...soft, so happy, and hands feeling for new things to touch. I felt really warm and happy inside, holding her close to me, looking into her sleepy eyes. Bliss. There are now 5 baby's under 3 months old in my group of friends, so whether I'd like to or not, I can't avoid them! I think it's definitely easier to hold them, or even look at them than it was for me a month ago. I still feel an initial pain inside, and sigh a lot each time I first see them, but I'm not left feeling so sad anymore. Hoping I'm recovering.

I'm still keeping busy anyway! I've had such an extremely busy day today! Up early, took husband to work, daughter to ballet. Then to docs for repeat prescription of my iron pills, then parked the car and walked around most of the town, buying bits and pieces I wanted to get for either gifts, decorations or foods for Eid, then drove to another shop, got loads of extra bits, then home, unpacked, got lunch for my daughter, then out again to pick my husband up, then home, cleaning, hoovering, decorating, back to town to pick up a parcel, then home, more tidying up, then cooked, then finally, at 7.30 sat down for the first time all day! :-) Ahhh....that doesn't include all the extra little things I had to do either, like looking after the chooks (egg number 3 today, 58grams!), keeping my daughter happy, and trying to remember to eat and drink myself!

At least it's all done now though, and it looks nice :-) Loads of flowers and decorations, gifts wrapped, food in the fridge ready to cook tomorrow morning. Good to keep busy.

One thing missing though, is the presence of our friend T. I think of her lots, and this time of year is the most special for us to share together. Really miss her. A detective texted me earlier and said he'd try to call me tomorrow to update me on the case. Am hoping he'll have some good news, but more than likely it'll be the usual 'we're positive we'll have a breakthrough in the case soon'. They've been saying that since a week after she disappeared. I know cases can sometimes be solved years later, but I hope and pray that it won't be that long, for her family and friends, so she can be found, and we can all say goodbye.

So tomorrow will be a happy day, full of excitement for my daughter, and a little sad for me and my husband, missing T. She should be here with us, calling her family, chatting with her brothers and sisters, cooking beautiful Sumatran foods. Maybe she's with us in spirit.

Good news!

I want to share some good news with you all - our chickens have finally started laying! Maybe not exciting for those who prefer the ease of buying food at a supermarket, but very very exciting for people like me, who like growing their own food, and feeding the chickens well to make the eggs tasty! Seems that just one, 'Cheeky' has started laying, a 50g beauty on Saturday, and a 57g beauty this morning. The first one was still warm when my daughter lifted it gently out of the nest box. :-) Such a nice feeling after having them, feeding them well, and seeing them grow over the last couple of months. We shared the first for our lunch, and it was delicious....so different from the usual free-range shop eggs. It was creamy and rich orange colour....yummy :-)

Been having a difficult weekend, as my daughter is really really trying to outsmart me, and control me. She is displaying behaviour I'd only expect from a very difficult teenager. I keep calm, try not to let it bother me, and try to reason with her. It does get too much at times though, and I have to just take a breather in the garden, and listen to the birds in the woods. Hoping it's just changes in her life, starting school, that have upset her usually very nice personality, and that she'll soon settle down. It better not continue until she's an adult anyway, or I may have to call 'Supernanny' or something!!

While out putting the chickens to bed tonight (locking their coop door), I put cloches over our little lettuces and flowering dwarf french beans. The weather for the next few days looks really rotten. I hope it doesn't manage to drown all the veg that we've got left. Atleast we'll still have some chillis, peppers, tomatoes and cucumbers left in the greenhouse, if all else gets too much rain. Have loads of my lovely Stephanotis (Madagascan Jasmine/wedding flower) vines growing well in the greenhouse too, which I grew from seed of my fruit that grew on my original vine. Hoping that next year they'll be flowering well, producing fruit of their own, and maybe I'll be able to sell a few.

Have been slowly try to decorate our house since yesterday, for Eid, which we expect to occur tomorrow. I say 'expect', as it all depends on when my husband's family calls from Indonesia to say it's started. He only celebrates it at the same time as they do, which sometimes may differ to when most people here celebrate it. I've put up shiny silver foil stars and moons around the living room, and my daughter's been helping colour in and make lots of Eid flags to put around the house. Tomorrow will be nice, shopping for nice foods, flowers and gifts, and spending the afternoon decorating, cooking and eating and having fun together hopefully. After lots of things, I've not really felt like celebrating much, but I need it to be special and magical for my daughter, as she misses out on Christmas. As she's getting older, I want her to look forward to a really nice celebration each year, as I used to with Christmas. I do hope as she grows older, and my husband becomes more adapted here, that she'll be able to celebrate the two special days. Time will tell.

Our missing friend

It's approaching the end of Ramadhan, and it's making me and my family think more about our missing friend. This is the time of year when she'd be busy fasting, and often getting fit at the same time, getting very thin. We'd be talking about getting together for an Eid El Fitri feast, which would probably have been at her home this year, as it was at ours last. This time last year was the last time we saw her. I'd prepared foods and drinks for us, but she was still fasting at the time, so we just chatted lots about life, and how she missed her family, and wanted to go back early this year. She brought gifts for my daughter, as usual. She was so kind. We chatted about my daughter's health, her eczema and chest troubles, and T spoke of traditional ways they'd treat them in Sumatra. She stayed a few hours, but I so wish we'd had more time. There's so many things I would've loved to speak with her about.

My brother came across an old photo of her today, when looking at pictures of when my daughter was born, so I thought I'd share it with you. It was taken 3 years ago, when my daughter was just a few days old (you can see how tired I looked!).

As an update, I've not heard anything from the police for a long time now. I've written to her family, and am hoping they'll be in touch with me in time. I'm hoping they'll want to stay in touch. It's now been nearly 9 months since she disappeared.

Yesterday I held a baby not much bigger than my daughter was in that photo. She felt so beautiful, and had that lovely soft feel and smell of babies. It was lovely at the time, but left me feeling quite empty again later in the eve. I've strangely taken to holding one of my first ever soft toys in bed at night again. It seems to make me relax more, and somehow brings comfort when I'm feeling a bit lost. Crazy? Yeah, maybe.

Homegrown food

Thought I'd show a pic of our first crop of potatoes (Pentland Javelin), harvested a couple of weeks ago. Had 2 more bags since then. They are a bit crumbly if boiled, but have discovered that they're lovely as chips!

Had a good meal from our garden for lunch today. One of our last yellow courgettes, our first large green pepper, an onion, a load of spinach, a tomato and a cucumber.....all made into a stir fry! Was delicious! Homegrown food tastes SO much better than shop bought! I'd love to be completely self-sufficient, not just with food, but with energy and everything too.

Haven't much left from our spring-planted crops. Lots of chillies, peppers and cucumbers still maturing, but I think the tomatoes and courgettes are pretty much finished now. I've a tiny watermelon that looks hopeful, and a golf ball-sized pumpkin.....hopefully ready for a halloween lantern! Winter lettuces are looking good, and the dwarf french beans and peas are doing well too. Still got a couple of potato harvests left to dig up also, along with some spring onions that are looking nearly ready. Hopefully that lot will keep us going until the end of the year or early next, saving some money in the supermarket!

Going to try to dig another vegetable bed before winter too, and stick a load of horse manure on it, to get it ready for some planting in spring.

Our chickens all went inside their coop mid morning today, and stayed in for a couple of hours. We think they may be getting ready to lay. Fingers crossed! Hopefully save some money on eggs too then! I will only buy free-range eggs, but the price is double the price of caged and barn eggs. If I couldn't afford to buy them though, I couldn't resort to buying caged or barn ones though.....our chickens are so happy, I hate to think of buying eggs from chickens who don't get the same quality of life.

Ours have all got individual characters....funny! I think one of them may be partially sighted too, poor girl. She often misses food if it's in front of her, and goes off on her own.....very silly behaviour for a chicken, who should stay in the group for safety. Nice but dim.

Back to the usual theme I write about, well there's not much to say. I've my second cycle since my miscarriage, and don't feel ready to think about trying to conceive again. I'm not sure if I ever will again. I get fleeting thoughts of sadness, missing my baby still, and sadness thinking about what might have been, but until my anaemia is resolved, I can't really try for another baby anyway. So I may as well not think about it.

Have been focusing on trying to find another income or job, but as yet, still nothing. Have been keen on exploring the idea of studying a postgraduate course, but difficult to find what I want. I've been looking into what shortage professions there are here, and what I'd be capable of doing with a couple more years of study. Really keen on speech therapy, which I could do as a two year postgraduate diploma to qualify, but there are no courses within a hundred miles of me. Would have to move if I was to do it, probably to London, which I really can't even contemplate after all the recent stresses. I just feel like I need my life to be a bit calmer for a bit. London would be the last place I'd want to move to in the UK, and any move would be stressful anyway.

Maybe our new business idea will pick up soon, and I'll relax a little more with some kind of income. Here's hoping.

Asthma link

I want to show a link to something important. Months ago, my daughter started getting viral induced wheezing, later to be told that it's more likely asthma. Early on, I researched it, and found a big problem with taking paracetamol, leaving the chance of developing asthma much greater. I stopped my daughter having any from then on, and explained why to the doctor. Her response was as if I was crazy, saying it was totally safe. I'm so glad of this article now, hopefully more parents may make the same choice that I have, but earlier on, decreasing the chance of their own babies developing chest problems.

Baby paracetamol asthma concern

A poem

I'd like to share a beautiful, touching poem that a new friend has said I can put on here. My friend has suffered so much loss in her life, and her poems reflect her feelings.

Go ahead and mention my children, the ones that died-you know.
Don’t worry about hurting me further, the depth of my pain doesn’t show.
Don’t worry about making me cry, I am already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing, the tears I try to hide.
I’m hurt when you just keep silent, pretending they didn’t exist.
I’d rather you mention my children, knowing that they are missed.
You asked me how I was doing, I say “pretty good” or “fine”.
But healing is something ongoing, I feel it will take a lifetime.

Written by Kat.

Memorial

A beautiful idea I came across.....

http://aisha-chahaya.gonetoosoon.org/

A short poem I found

I want to add a short poem that I just read. It's touching, and brings comfort:

Those we love don't go away,
They walk beside us every day,
Unseen, unheard, but always near,
Still loved, still missed and very dear.

Strange day

What a weird day. I met with 2 heavily pregnant mothers, and I met 3 new born babies, all within the space of an hour. Strange just gazing at them, smiling, saying how beautiful they were, feeling really detached at the same time. I'm getting good at detaching myself from things, talking without meaning, so as not to feel what's really inside me. I do feel I need a good cry, but I've not felt able to for a while now. I think it needs to come out, as I'm getting quite moody and irritable. Probably because I'm not dealing with things, and I should be. Instead of staying busy, and pretending everything's normal, maybe I should give in, and just be sad for a bit longer. Only the worry of it not being very understandable to people close to me, that's really stopping me. Really shouldn't matter, but it does.

I've also been back in touch with an old school friend, which is great, but sad too, as such a lot has happened since loosing touch, and she's had a really hard time. It makes me realise that the past year has been bad, yeah, but some people have things a lot worse off. I can't say it makes what's been happening in my life any less bad or upsetting, but it does make me realise that it could be a lot lot worse, and I should be grateful that it's not.