Asthma, Micro-teach and gardening!

Still feeling a bit like my feet haven't touched the ground in ages! After writing my last entry here, my daughter had her first asthma attack in 2 months. Thankfully, she managed to stay out of hospital this time, and hence, away from more steroid pills. She went to a kids birthday party, and due to me feeling too rude to stop her, she accepted a cake from the host.....which was full of artificial colours etc. I think that may have set her off, as I've kept her away from those kinds of things since I can remember. I've just go to be strong next time, and risk offending the host, but know I'm protecting my daughter. I believe a little bit of such things do no harm to the majority of people, but I do think they affect my daughter.

So anyway, she came back from the party Saturday eve, and during the night had quite a sudden bout of asthmatic coughing and wheezing. From then until Tuesday, I gave her frequent uses of her salt pipe, and the regular reliever inhaler, and on Tuesday morning, the doctor couldn't detect a wheeze!! I was quite shocked...it's the first time she's had an attack in 2 months, and the first time ever that she's got over it so quickly, and without having to resort to nebulisers and steroid pills in hospital! I was so happy with her recovery, that she was playing at the local play barn on Wednesday, fit as she usually is, with lots of energy. In the past, she's had an attack, then within 24 hours she's needed help in hospital, leading to steroid pills for a few days, and I've not felt she was fit enough for even school for at least a week after the attack. This was amazing, really. It gives me so much hope for her future! The longer time passes between attacks, and the fewer times she needs help, the stronger her chest will become. :-)

Anyway, on a different subject, I had an interview today. An interview from hell. It was for a supply job, but involved tests in numerical reasoning and literacy understanding....which were fine, but also a 'micro-teach' of 10 minutes, to a panel of 3 assessors, on the subject of introducing vocabulary to level 1 ESOL learners, for going to the doctors. Well, I had NO idea what was expected of me, so did my best....which wasn't good enough. They had a list of criteria for what they wanted, from a detailed lesson plan, to the relevance of the materials....I was fine on the overall presentation of myself, making them feel at ease etc, but they didn't like my choice of materials or that my lesson plan (for 10 minutes!?!) was in my head.

Ah well, I see it as a great experience, and good to know what's expected in case I have another silly interview like that - but their loss! I felt like saying, that if they'd allowed me a 2 hour class, full of actual foreign students, and that topic, I'd have shown them exactly what I was capable of....but to squeeze a snapshot of what I can do into 10 minutes, was just a crazy idea! She said I showed 'promise'!?! I felt like pointing out that I've 3 years of teaching experience, and amazing references (that they'd not requested yet!), and great appraisals......and I knew how to make activities interesting and to elicit responses and things!!!! (It did anger me a little I guess! ;-) )

As a way of calming down, and getting my mind off the thought of today, I kept very busy yesterday. My back was killing me by the end of it! I helped my husband in his job in the morning, feeding cows and fixing stuff on the farm, while his boss was away. He'd usually do it himself, but has smashed his finger while building there last week, so needed me. After that, if that wasn't knackering enough, I cam home, cooked lunch, then went and dug a large vegetable patch in our back lawn! Got all the turf off, moved that, then forked up all the ground, and removed all the stones! A good 3 hours in the garden, surrounded by chickens pecking up all the worms I was digging up, and my daughter 'trying' to help with her little trowel! Slept well last night!! I can't wait to get planting again soon! I have all my seeds and onions and potatoes ready...just need the temperature to rise now! Will post some pics here as green stuff starts appearing......

New year, new hopes and dreams......

It's been far too long since I wrote on here. I've just not felt in the right mood for it for a couple of months. So here I am, doing a kind of update to start with, before things get back to normal.
Since I was last on, not a lot has happened. Our missing friend still hasn't been found, and a guy is still on bail for her suspected murder. They can't charge him without more evidence though, as it's all circumstantial so far.

My daughter's wheezing has returned on and off, but she is still generally a lot better since taking steroids inhalers twice a day. I hate giving them to her, and am doing my very best to get her off them asap, so we'll see how we get on.

Our chickens are laying an average of 4 a day, which is excellent for the middle of winter! The eggs are so tasty compared to shop-bought free range eggs, you can really taste the difference. Been a little concerned though over the last week, as since there's been a hard frost which has lasted days, I've heard a fox in the woodland behind us. The chooks got very upset by one barking the other day, and it took a while for them to settle. They were so silly, making so much noise, as if to say "Oh no, there's a fox around.....here we are if you want us, follow our loud clucking and you'll find us easily!". They don't seem to be the cleverest of animals!

Our poor cat has lost her nerve. She came home with a burst eye ball in November I think. A local tom cat was the likely suspect, as since then, she's been a proper 'scaredy cat'. She went through treatment to fix her up, and thankfully didn't loose her eye...but it looks different, and has shifted, so not all her pupil is visible now. Since the injury, she doesn't go out much, and when she does, she never really leaves the garden for long, rarely ventures into the woods either. It's a shame.

December was a hard month. My miscarried baby's due date was the 16th. My missing friend was on Crimewatch on the 15th. My daughter was unwell for a couple of weeks. And we were broke. I expected to fall apart on the 16th, but I think the anticipation of it was worse that the day itself. It did make me think about the miscarriage again, and what might have been, but it wasn't as distressing as I'd expected, thankfully. It's been more upsetting since then, seeing another mum at the school, who's newborn was born at that time.

Crimewatch featured T on the 16th, but nothing good came from it as far as I know. I was asked to appear on it, but after being a bit unsure, they found another friend to do it instead. It was the anniversary of her going missing this week, and myself and mum, and other friends laid flowers outside her home in her memory. We just can't move on until we get to say goodbye properly.

I've been getting strange feelings in my chest recently, and I think they may be due to all the anxiety. My friend thinks it's probably suppressed grief, making my chest tight, and making my heart rate fast. The doc thinks I should just take beta blockers which would sort out the jumping heart and heart rate, but I don't like to treat the symptoms of something, as I'd prefer to sort out the cause instead if I can. Have got onto an online counsellor yesterday, wondering if it'll help to let things out a bit.

Sorry this posting isn't very light-hearted, but as I said, it's an update really. Hopefully things will be a bit lighter from now on in. New year, new hopes and dreams.

Preparations for Eid

Yesterday, I got to cuddle a lovely 6 week old baby called Katy. Her mum left her with me while she went to pick up Katy's brother from school. She was beautiful...soft, so happy, and hands feeling for new things to touch. I felt really warm and happy inside, holding her close to me, looking into her sleepy eyes. Bliss. There are now 5 baby's under 3 months old in my group of friends, so whether I'd like to or not, I can't avoid them! I think it's definitely easier to hold them, or even look at them than it was for me a month ago. I still feel an initial pain inside, and sigh a lot each time I first see them, but I'm not left feeling so sad anymore. Hoping I'm recovering.

I'm still keeping busy anyway! I've had such an extremely busy day today! Up early, took husband to work, daughter to ballet. Then to docs for repeat prescription of my iron pills, then parked the car and walked around most of the town, buying bits and pieces I wanted to get for either gifts, decorations or foods for Eid, then drove to another shop, got loads of extra bits, then home, unpacked, got lunch for my daughter, then out again to pick my husband up, then home, cleaning, hoovering, decorating, back to town to pick up a parcel, then home, more tidying up, then cooked, then finally, at 7.30 sat down for the first time all day! :-) Ahhh....that doesn't include all the extra little things I had to do either, like looking after the chooks (egg number 3 today, 58grams!), keeping my daughter happy, and trying to remember to eat and drink myself!

At least it's all done now though, and it looks nice :-) Loads of flowers and decorations, gifts wrapped, food in the fridge ready to cook tomorrow morning. Good to keep busy.

One thing missing though, is the presence of our friend T. I think of her lots, and this time of year is the most special for us to share together. Really miss her. A detective texted me earlier and said he'd try to call me tomorrow to update me on the case. Am hoping he'll have some good news, but more than likely it'll be the usual 'we're positive we'll have a breakthrough in the case soon'. They've been saying that since a week after she disappeared. I know cases can sometimes be solved years later, but I hope and pray that it won't be that long, for her family and friends, so she can be found, and we can all say goodbye.

So tomorrow will be a happy day, full of excitement for my daughter, and a little sad for me and my husband, missing T. She should be here with us, calling her family, chatting with her brothers and sisters, cooking beautiful Sumatran foods. Maybe she's with us in spirit.

Can't shake the tears

Hello again anyone who's reading. I've not felt like writing much recently, as you may have noticed. In some ways I've been feeling more normal again, but at the same time, feeling quite antisocial too. I've not taken my daughter out to meet her friends / my friends for a couple of weeks, and only really been seeing my best friend and family instead. I've just not really felt like doing what I usually spend my time doing, and I've started to relax a lot more, knowing I've not got to do the normal things like go out to a play place for coffee n make pleasant chit chat about potty training and the like. I've just been feeling a bit weird, and just wanted to see the people closest to me. I am at risk of friends thinking I'm not making an effort, and therefore just not inviting me out anymore, but the way I see it, is I've been through a lot, and the friends which matter, will still be there when I've come out the end of this tunnel, understanding why I've been like this. I hope.

I've felt a little sad on and off over the last week. I spent the day with my pregnant best friend, and her 1yr old son a few days ago. It was a beautiful day, spent out in the garden, enjoying the weather, company and food (and new chickens in the garden!), and just chatting about everything as normal. My miscarriage didn't enter into the conversation until she was leaving, so it was quite a nice day of uplifting company. After she'd left though, I felt quite sad, thinking of how she's now at the stage in her pregnancy that I was when I was miscarrying, and she looks so good, bump growing, herself glowing and happy, the way it should be....but with me feeling not jealous, but sad, knowing I should've been like she is, instead of having just a small bump, carrying my baby who'd passed away. I expect to feel like this whenever I see her from now on, which isn't a nice prospect, as I'm so so happy for her and her family, so don't want it linked to my sadness and loss. I look forward to the day she gives birth next January, a month after I was due, but I also dread it, knowing the heart ache I'm likely to feel when I hold her baby for the first time, just a few days old, just a month after I should've been holding my own.

The other day, I asked the doctor if it was normal that I was still bleeding, 5 weeks from when I started miscarrying. It appeared as though the last week has been like menstruation, rather than the end of my miscarriage, although the gynae consultant had said I'd bleed until my uterus was empty, then have a few weeks of not bleeding, before my period. Anyway, the doc said that it was normal, and that by having a natural miscarriage, with no intervention, I could bleed for some time. Put my mind at rest, but doesn't make it any less frustrating, and annoying. The worst thing is, that earlier tonight, I was thinking of if I'd ever bled for this long before, and I could only think back to when I'd given birth to my daughter. Then I thought how that time was not annoying at all, but a happy feeling, being so totally consumed with happiness of caring for my baby, that I couldn't care less if I'd have continued bleeding for months and months. This time, seeing the blood, I'm reminded again and again of what's happened, and I have no beautiful baby to in my arms to take my mind off it.

I still find myself crying tears silently at night, on my husbands shoulder, just thinking too much about what's happened, why, and what could've been. It's not every night like a month ago, but it's still every few days. Seven and a half weeks ago I heard the news from the ultrasound. 2 days ago, on the 30th, was a month since my baby left my tummy, and a month before yesterday was when I said my goodbyes and buried them. It's difficult to just not think about it all. Most of the day I can stay distracted, but at times when it's quiet, especially going to bed, it's impossible to think of anything else. A week or so ago, I would've said things were getting back to normal, my feelings returning to more stable and steady ones. It's just up and down though really.

On to something a little lighter, I've been looking at jewellery, trying to find the perfect piece to wear, to always remind me, but in a positive way, to remind me of the 15.5 weeks we shared together. Of the little time, but really happy time we shared. I've seen a couple of chains with charms on, but still not found exactly what I want. Whatever that is!?

I've been keeping busy with our new chickens too....can't wait until they start laying, and we can have fresh eggs for brekky!

Keeping busy renovating my old dolls house for my daughter's birthday aswell. Loving seeing it change, but also a bit sentimental and sad tearing off the wallpaper that my father and mother so lovingly put on for me when I was 4 years old. They're happy I'm passing it on to her though.

Enough for now anyway. After not writing for so long, I just can't stop now! I may write about my job ideas tomorrow or when I next have time. I'd love some advice about it all too, if anyone would like to offer any. I'm at a point where I could start anything, but have restrictions as I want to be close to home, and my daughter and things. Will explain more soon.