Getting it over with....

It's been an emotional day. While out this morning, I saw my first sighting of a new mother with very young baby. I felt so strange. Half of me gazing at the baby in awe, half of me looking away, feeling very tense inside. Tearful, but holding back. After that, I wondered if I should meet up with friends in the afternoon, as planned. I thought it would be good to get it over with, knowing that they all knew, but hadn't seen me for a couple of weeks, but knew it could be upsetting.

Five friends I've known since the birth of my daughter, nearly 3 years, all having given birth around a similar time. Three of them visibly pregnant, two of which had suffered miscarriages last year, two with 2 children already, and one with a beautiful newborn daughter. I would've been ok if they'd have just acted normally, but it was good of them to acknowledge what was going on, and be caring, asking how I was coping. All they said to set me off though, was "Aw, so how are you?", and I would start crying. How mad. All I had to say was "I'm doing ok, thanks", but I couldn't even get those words out. All I could say was I want to talk about it, but can't yet, holding back tears.
I know I have a great group of friends, some of which know what I'm going through, and I do want to talk about it....I don't want to pretend it's not happened and brush it under the carpet, but I just think it's all too current to be talked about yet. Maybe in a few weeks I'll be able to answer that I'm fine, and it was difficult, but I've coped, without lots of tears and sadness filling me up.
Nothing new in the physical side of things yet...just still got pains and bleeding.

Upsetting thoughts

Been feeling quite low today, think the constant rain hasn't helped. It's hard to feel upbeat on a dull rainy day, and when you're feeling like I do on top, it's almost impossible! I wonder how long it'll take, how long the pains (physical) will be here, and if my body will cope with it without needing the D & C.
Each time I check my underwear to see what's going on, I almost feel relieved not to see signs of my baby down there, but know it could/must happen at any time. The most upsetting thing to think about at the moment, is what will I do with it, if I actually think it's there when I look. I mean what do you do with the tissues of an unborn, 7 week or maybe smaller size baby?! Will it even be recognisable, or just look like another clot? Burying seems the best way to go about it, but where?
So upsetting thinking about it, but I know it's something me and my husband have really got to discuss. If he says it's up to me, it'll make it so much harder. Really hope he quietly has some idea of what to do, which he will share with me. What a difficult thing to talk about, don't know how to approach it. I know I've got to talk about it soon though, as each night I go to bed, in those quiet dark moments (hours recently) before sleep, it's all I can think about. Really worrying me.