Crossroads....

Been a strange few weeks....like my feet haven't touched the ground! The addition of starting a Zumba fitness class, and visiting my friend with new baby, have seemed to make my week full now! I'm not complaining though, it's a good thing. Less time to think about the past, more time to concentrate on the future!

As for the future, I seem to be at a crossroads. Career or more children? I may not even have a choice really, I'm not to know....I may not have another successful pregnancy, or I may not cope with a post-grad course in Speech and Language therapy. I'm not to know until I try one or the other. I just have to decide which.....and it has to be agreed with hubby too, of course. Friends say I should just see what happens, but I always like to focus on something...I'm pro-active I guess. I feel that now would be a good time to have another child, when our first is about to start full time school, and I've not started a new career. Starting a new career will be good for us all though, so it's quite confusing.

On a different subject, I've been quite angered by something I read on the Asthma UK website. Research shows that steroid pills are ineffective in treating pre-school wheezing. My daughter has had around 5 prescriptions of steroids in the last year, and I thought it was those which were saving her life. I've hated her having to have them though, knowing the damage they can do in the longterm. Now I read that they were unnecessary!!! It does anger me. I just really hope that the salt pipe she's using continues to keep her wheezing away, and she never has to return to hospital with another asthma attack. Fingers crossed.

Keeping up

I've felt like writing on here for a few days, but never seemed to get the chance. I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore, but I'm keep on writing anyway!

I met my best friends new baby last week. He was perfect! He was born a month after mine was due, so it was an emotional time meeting him, and seeing my friend after the birth. It made me feel a bit crazy as if I really wanted to fall pregnant again, but the other half of me is still holding back. It's nearly a year since I fell pregnant, and all friends and contacts who miscarried at the same time as me have all got pregnant again since. I see that they're all very happy, but for me, I don't feel it'd be the best thing right now. I think that it's mainly due to not knowing if my husband would be happy if it happened again. As you can see, we don't communicate brilliantly about difficult things. If he was to say let's go for it, I'd probably be all for it too.

I really wish this cold damp weather would be over. I can't wait for the spring again, when I can get back into planting in the greenhouse and beds, watching our food grow, taking care of it while it does. I'm not feeling very energetic at the moment, but hoping my new year's resolution to get fit will work out if I can stick with it.

Now I'm here, I can't remember what it was I wanted to write about the other day! Ah well...it'll keep. See ya round!

Upsetting thoughts

Been feeling quite low today, think the constant rain hasn't helped. It's hard to feel upbeat on a dull rainy day, and when you're feeling like I do on top, it's almost impossible! I wonder how long it'll take, how long the pains (physical) will be here, and if my body will cope with it without needing the D & C.
Each time I check my underwear to see what's going on, I almost feel relieved not to see signs of my baby down there, but know it could/must happen at any time. The most upsetting thing to think about at the moment, is what will I do with it, if I actually think it's there when I look. I mean what do you do with the tissues of an unborn, 7 week or maybe smaller size baby?! Will it even be recognisable, or just look like another clot? Burying seems the best way to go about it, but where?
So upsetting thinking about it, but I know it's something me and my husband have really got to discuss. If he says it's up to me, it'll make it so much harder. Really hope he quietly has some idea of what to do, which he will share with me. What a difficult thing to talk about, don't know how to approach it. I know I've got to talk about it soon though, as each night I go to bed, in those quiet dark moments (hours recently) before sleep, it's all I can think about. Really worrying me.

Introductions

So here starts my first ever blog! Been using the internet for 15 years, but now is the first time I've thought about doing this. I guess I've not thought my life was that interesting until now. Now, it's not interesting to a lot of people, but I can see it could be interesting to share with some, those who experience similar things to what I am.

So as a background, I've a daughter who's nearly 3 years old, and I'm going through what doctors describe as a 'hidden' or 'missed' miscarriage. I say going through, as I am 14 weeks pregnant, know that my child has passed away around 6 weeks ago, but my body hasn't yet accepted it, or let go. Other than a lack of that pregnancy feeling, I have no other signs that my child has died.

My first scan was on 9th June, which is when I first found something was wrong. Since some of my friends have recently miscarried, I had a worry of it happening, but not a feeling that it would. So I went alone to my scan. My husband had to work, likewise my mother. I will always remember the words of the sonographer (if that's their correct name?). "I'm very sorry H, your baby only measures as 8 weeks old, and it has no heart beat." It felt like a train had just hit me head-on.

The days after that were floaty. Out of the different people who spoke with me at the hospital, one had given hope, saying that the pregnancy may have occurred later than I thought, and it may be that I was only 8 weeks pregnant, and the heart beat could be detected a week later. So I was to stay as calm as I could until my next scan, and do lots of positive thinking. Those words, in contrast to the sonographers, continued to conflict in my emotions until yesterday, when I went for my last scan.

Yesterday we heard the confirmation that our child had definitely passed away. The baby now only measured at 7 weeks 3 days size, and my womb was changing shape, getting smaller. The options were discussed, and me being me, I couldn't go for surgery unless it was the only option, so here I am waiting for my miscarriage.

My family and friends are great, send me words of support and call to chat. My husband is sensitive and understanding to what's going on, although I know he just wants to not think about it, not to feel so sad....whereas I'd like to talk about it all day. My daughter is accepting that she won't be having a little brother or sister this year after all.

It's weird not knowing how I'll feel in 10 minutes from now. One minute I'm pretty normal, going about my daily stuff, the next, something, often very unconnected, makes tears flood my eyes. Just don't know where I am. I do know I'm very lucky to have my daughter. She's so so so special.

Anyway, so maybe I'll write again on here about different feelings and experiences now I've started. As the title of my blog describes, I've been happy, I've been sad. Right now I'm a mix, and I'm sure I will be forever. xXx