Nearly complete and empty too.

It's been nearly a week since I last wrote on here. I feel that the week has whizzed past, although nothing much has happened. The start of the week was hard, too much time spent dwelling on what's happened, but the end of the week has been much easier on my emotions.
I received the homeopathic remedies I'd ordered, to help my miscarriage along. Secale and Caulophyllum. I think they made my bleeding heavier, so did what I hoped, although I'd expected them to cause some contractions, but I didn't feel anything of the kind. By the time Friday arrived, my last scan appointment, my bleeding had slowed, and I was wondering if the remedies had completed the job. I was dreading the scan, knowing they'd probably give another internal one, and wondering if I'd get all upset again from overly sympathetic hospital staff.
So Friday afternoon I went for my scan, alone this time, and thankfully didn't get upset, and was told I didn't need to return for another - all being well in a week or so. At last! The scan woman was clinical this time, not sympathetic and warm like the previous women have been, but that was good, as it allowed me to stay calm and focused, and talk for a change. She checked me out, and said again that both ovaries looked healthy, but the miscarriage still wasn't complete. Disappointed, I walked back to the ward, to await a discussion with a doctor. This time, a gynaecological consultant spoke with me, and was really positive. She said how she thinks I made the right decision weeks ago, not going for surgery or pills, as my body seems to have done a very good job of dealing with it naturally. She said it doesn't happen so well in all cases, and many women do opt for a quicker solution of taking medical help, but in my case, my body's done well. She said there's still a centimeter and a half size clot there, but she said that even with a D and C or Evac, clots bigger than that are often left inside. So I felt very happy to have been able to do it my way, and to have got away with it. It's still not over until I stop bleeding, but the doc seemed confident that it'd probably be complete within a week.
She spoke of trying to wait at least a month or one period before trying to conceive again, or preferably 6 months if we can, to give my body and mind time to recover. I said how this baby had been unplanned, but how we'd been very happy looking forward to its arrival, so wasn't sure if we'd want to try now, or not.
I've actually felt normal again since Thursday, which is weird, but I guess it's good. I do feel guilty when I feel like this though, as I feel I should be sad and mourning our baby for a long time. It has been a month and 3 days since I heard our baby had passed away, and it's been just 12 days since it left my body. Maybe I'm still in shock, or maybe I've just been able to keep busy enough not to have too much time to think for the last few days.
I've been trying to focus on our daughter more than my sad feelings. I've been trying to do more things with her, jigsaws together, playing together, and enjoying being with her whenever I can. I love her so much. We went to IKEA today for the first time ever, and picked up an extending children's bed for her birthday. Crazy shopping experience, not sure I enjoyed it, but it was different.
Anyway, now I'm feeling a little more normal, I'll probably not be writing so much on here. This was started as a way of helping other women who want to hear a first hand experience of a missed, silent, delayed miscarriage, so I doubt I'll continue it once the miscarriage is complete. I don't know, it depends how I feel. The miscarriage may be complete in a few days, but it's bound to still be on my mind for life. It's like the miscarriage will be complete, but I'll be left empty.
Feel free to get in touch if you'd like to know more on anything I've written.
Over and out for a few days probably.......

Third scan.....

Today I went for my third scan, in little over 3 weeks. Thought it would be easier this time, having gone through what I did on Sunday night, and having got my head around the fact my baby had gone. I'm still bleeding, but thought I was over the worst. I was going to go alone, thinking it'd be painless, but I'm glad my husband said he'd come too. I needed him.

It was upsetting going to the same scan place as I'd been to on the 9th, when I heard the news
first time. The women sonographers were excellent, so supportive and sympathetic, which I think made it harder in a way. They were so comforting. I tried to be strong, hold it together, give the facts, hear the facts, and accept it all, but I broke down in tears again.

After Sunday, I expected them to say that the miscarriage was nearly complete, and my body had dealt with it well. Instead, they told me that there's still a lot inside, which needs to come out. They couldn't be sure that my baby has gone yet or not, as it's unclear what is still there. I described what I'd seen on Sunday night though, and they think it's likely the baby left me then. They just couldn't be sure. It was strange, as since that night, I've said goodbye, and have been trying to get over it. Having them say they're not sure though, made me quite upset.

They checked me over during the scan, checking my ovaries, which they said looked healthy. I'm happy and feel very lucky to know that, but I still don't know if I'd like to try for another baby, as I don't know if I could go through this again. It's different to the way I felt (and most feel?) after a difficult childbirth. Then, it was a feeling of not wanting to go through that much pain again, but knowing that in time, the pain would disappear. This is a feeling of not wanting to go through the heartache of hearing the bad news, and then having to give birth to a child who I'll never hold and kiss. Ok, the baby wasn't recognisable in form, but I'm sure I said goodbye to it that night. I know the heartache will fade, but I'm sure the images from memories of that night, and being told the news on the 9th, will be with me forever. I wonder how my husband feels about the future. He says how he feels sad at times, when he finds himself thinking about having a baby with us in a few months, but then remembers what's happened. Makes me wonder would he like to try for one again soon, or will he feel too sad too?

It's so hard staying strong. I get on with things each day, I'm doing well at keeping busy. After my midday scan today, I baked cakes with my daughter, tidied and hoovered the house, changed the beds, did washing, checked the greenhouse, cooked tea and put my daughter to bed. That's a lot for me. It's been like that since the news in my first scan.

Hoping to meet up with a friend tomorrow morning. She went through the same a few months ago. It's so sad that so many have been through, and are going through the same. I wish it didn't have to be like this. Got my next scan a week tomorrow. I hate the idea of having to go through it all again in 8 days time....but this is how it's got to be if I don't agree to a D and C yet. I'm still holding out for my body to do what it needs to. It's doing well, I just hope it keeps going. Will let you know....

Introductions

So here starts my first ever blog! Been using the internet for 15 years, but now is the first time I've thought about doing this. I guess I've not thought my life was that interesting until now. Now, it's not interesting to a lot of people, but I can see it could be interesting to share with some, those who experience similar things to what I am.

So as a background, I've a daughter who's nearly 3 years old, and I'm going through what doctors describe as a 'hidden' or 'missed' miscarriage. I say going through, as I am 14 weeks pregnant, know that my child has passed away around 6 weeks ago, but my body hasn't yet accepted it, or let go. Other than a lack of that pregnancy feeling, I have no other signs that my child has died.

My first scan was on 9th June, which is when I first found something was wrong. Since some of my friends have recently miscarried, I had a worry of it happening, but not a feeling that it would. So I went alone to my scan. My husband had to work, likewise my mother. I will always remember the words of the sonographer (if that's their correct name?). "I'm very sorry H, your baby only measures as 8 weeks old, and it has no heart beat." It felt like a train had just hit me head-on.

The days after that were floaty. Out of the different people who spoke with me at the hospital, one had given hope, saying that the pregnancy may have occurred later than I thought, and it may be that I was only 8 weeks pregnant, and the heart beat could be detected a week later. So I was to stay as calm as I could until my next scan, and do lots of positive thinking. Those words, in contrast to the sonographers, continued to conflict in my emotions until yesterday, when I went for my last scan.

Yesterday we heard the confirmation that our child had definitely passed away. The baby now only measured at 7 weeks 3 days size, and my womb was changing shape, getting smaller. The options were discussed, and me being me, I couldn't go for surgery unless it was the only option, so here I am waiting for my miscarriage.

My family and friends are great, send me words of support and call to chat. My husband is sensitive and understanding to what's going on, although I know he just wants to not think about it, not to feel so sad....whereas I'd like to talk about it all day. My daughter is accepting that she won't be having a little brother or sister this year after all.

It's weird not knowing how I'll feel in 10 minutes from now. One minute I'm pretty normal, going about my daily stuff, the next, something, often very unconnected, makes tears flood my eyes. Just don't know where I am. I do know I'm very lucky to have my daughter. She's so so so special.

Anyway, so maybe I'll write again on here about different feelings and experiences now I've started. As the title of my blog describes, I've been happy, I've been sad. Right now I'm a mix, and I'm sure I will be forever. xXx