Keeping up

I've felt like writing on here for a few days, but never seemed to get the chance. I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore, but I'm keep on writing anyway!

I met my best friends new baby last week. He was perfect! He was born a month after mine was due, so it was an emotional time meeting him, and seeing my friend after the birth. It made me feel a bit crazy as if I really wanted to fall pregnant again, but the other half of me is still holding back. It's nearly a year since I fell pregnant, and all friends and contacts who miscarried at the same time as me have all got pregnant again since. I see that they're all very happy, but for me, I don't feel it'd be the best thing right now. I think that it's mainly due to not knowing if my husband would be happy if it happened again. As you can see, we don't communicate brilliantly about difficult things. If he was to say let's go for it, I'd probably be all for it too.

I really wish this cold damp weather would be over. I can't wait for the spring again, when I can get back into planting in the greenhouse and beds, watching our food grow, taking care of it while it does. I'm not feeling very energetic at the moment, but hoping my new year's resolution to get fit will work out if I can stick with it.

Now I'm here, I can't remember what it was I wanted to write about the other day! Ah well...it'll keep. See ya round!

Can't hide forever.....

Hi to Guatemala girl, nice to be in touch. I'm sorry you went through the same in May. I hope you're getting over it ok, and have lots of support. Feel free to email if you want to chat more.

I had a bit of a low day yesterday, I think it was due to the scan on Thursday. I was often thinking of the 'what ifs', and how it was so unfair. How I wanted my baby in my arms in a few months time, but it'll never happen. I had a nice visit from a friend yesterday morning though, and we talked and talked, as she's been through a very similar miscarriage a few months ago. It was good comparing our feelings about what had happened. She's now 27 weeks pregnant with her 2nd child, and having a hard time relaxing after what happened. I can imagine how hard it'd be. We both agreed though, that although we have had some very bad luck recently, we are both very blessed to have our first children. I don't know if I could try for another child so quickly though, I don't know if I would like to risk going through all this again.
My bleeding has eased a lot in the last couple of days. After hearing from the scan that there's still a lot I need to 'expel', I've been hoping I'd continue to bleed heavily and get it over with, so as to avoid the need for medical intervention. It doesn't seem to be happening very successfully though. At least since Sunday I'm sure my baby isn't with me, so it's just what's left over, the lining of my womb, that is still there. If needs be, I don't mind the thought of surgery to remove that, if absolutely necessary.
I've ordered some homeopathic remedies to try to help, hoping they'll help to remove what's left. They're said to be useful in circumstances such as mine, when the body slows down it's contractions in childbirth, and when the womb is upset. I was hoping they'd arrive today, but no sign of them. I'm hoping they'll arrive on Monday, and do the job, so that the scan on Friday shows the miscarriage is complete. If not, I'm not sure how long I can go on trying to do the right thing. I'm getting very upset with hospital visits, I just want to move on and feel more normal again.
I've just come back from a village summer fair in aid of my father's church. It was really busy, especially for such a rainy day. It was hard to make myself go though, as I knew what it'd be like. Everyone I saw asked how I was, and if I was ok, and were sympathetic. Word has got around, which is good, knowing everyone is thinking of me and supporting me, but it was also hard, putting on a brave face and smiling even when I didn't want to. I knew I had to go though, as I had to get it over with. Like that first time meeting up with my friends after hearing the news. I dreaded it, and it was hard, but I can't hide forever. It's times like this when friends and family are really important, and I feel very lucky to have so many caring people in my life.
Making a big effort tonight too. We rarely go out, but have decided to go to a welsh dancing/folk music evening. My brother does traditional welsh dancing, and loves these evenings that happen a couple of times a year, so we're taking him up on his invite for once, thinking it may cheer us up. Will only stay an hour or so, as taking our daughter too, but still, it's a big effort to go out while I'm feeling like I am. Will hopefully really enjoy it.

Getting it over with....

It's been an emotional day. While out this morning, I saw my first sighting of a new mother with very young baby. I felt so strange. Half of me gazing at the baby in awe, half of me looking away, feeling very tense inside. Tearful, but holding back. After that, I wondered if I should meet up with friends in the afternoon, as planned. I thought it would be good to get it over with, knowing that they all knew, but hadn't seen me for a couple of weeks, but knew it could be upsetting.

Five friends I've known since the birth of my daughter, nearly 3 years, all having given birth around a similar time. Three of them visibly pregnant, two of which had suffered miscarriages last year, two with 2 children already, and one with a beautiful newborn daughter. I would've been ok if they'd have just acted normally, but it was good of them to acknowledge what was going on, and be caring, asking how I was coping. All they said to set me off though, was "Aw, so how are you?", and I would start crying. How mad. All I had to say was "I'm doing ok, thanks", but I couldn't even get those words out. All I could say was I want to talk about it, but can't yet, holding back tears.
I know I have a great group of friends, some of which know what I'm going through, and I do want to talk about it....I don't want to pretend it's not happened and brush it under the carpet, but I just think it's all too current to be talked about yet. Maybe in a few weeks I'll be able to answer that I'm fine, and it was difficult, but I've coped, without lots of tears and sadness filling me up.
Nothing new in the physical side of things yet...just still got pains and bleeding.

Upsetting thoughts

Been feeling quite low today, think the constant rain hasn't helped. It's hard to feel upbeat on a dull rainy day, and when you're feeling like I do on top, it's almost impossible! I wonder how long it'll take, how long the pains (physical) will be here, and if my body will cope with it without needing the D & C.
Each time I check my underwear to see what's going on, I almost feel relieved not to see signs of my baby down there, but know it could/must happen at any time. The most upsetting thing to think about at the moment, is what will I do with it, if I actually think it's there when I look. I mean what do you do with the tissues of an unborn, 7 week or maybe smaller size baby?! Will it even be recognisable, or just look like another clot? Burying seems the best way to go about it, but where?
So upsetting thinking about it, but I know it's something me and my husband have really got to discuss. If he says it's up to me, it'll make it so much harder. Really hope he quietly has some idea of what to do, which he will share with me. What a difficult thing to talk about, don't know how to approach it. I know I've got to talk about it soon though, as each night I go to bed, in those quiet dark moments (hours recently) before sleep, it's all I can think about. Really worrying me.

Introductions

So here starts my first ever blog! Been using the internet for 15 years, but now is the first time I've thought about doing this. I guess I've not thought my life was that interesting until now. Now, it's not interesting to a lot of people, but I can see it could be interesting to share with some, those who experience similar things to what I am.

So as a background, I've a daughter who's nearly 3 years old, and I'm going through what doctors describe as a 'hidden' or 'missed' miscarriage. I say going through, as I am 14 weeks pregnant, know that my child has passed away around 6 weeks ago, but my body hasn't yet accepted it, or let go. Other than a lack of that pregnancy feeling, I have no other signs that my child has died.

My first scan was on 9th June, which is when I first found something was wrong. Since some of my friends have recently miscarried, I had a worry of it happening, but not a feeling that it would. So I went alone to my scan. My husband had to work, likewise my mother. I will always remember the words of the sonographer (if that's their correct name?). "I'm very sorry H, your baby only measures as 8 weeks old, and it has no heart beat." It felt like a train had just hit me head-on.

The days after that were floaty. Out of the different people who spoke with me at the hospital, one had given hope, saying that the pregnancy may have occurred later than I thought, and it may be that I was only 8 weeks pregnant, and the heart beat could be detected a week later. So I was to stay as calm as I could until my next scan, and do lots of positive thinking. Those words, in contrast to the sonographers, continued to conflict in my emotions until yesterday, when I went for my last scan.

Yesterday we heard the confirmation that our child had definitely passed away. The baby now only measured at 7 weeks 3 days size, and my womb was changing shape, getting smaller. The options were discussed, and me being me, I couldn't go for surgery unless it was the only option, so here I am waiting for my miscarriage.

My family and friends are great, send me words of support and call to chat. My husband is sensitive and understanding to what's going on, although I know he just wants to not think about it, not to feel so sad....whereas I'd like to talk about it all day. My daughter is accepting that she won't be having a little brother or sister this year after all.

It's weird not knowing how I'll feel in 10 minutes from now. One minute I'm pretty normal, going about my daily stuff, the next, something, often very unconnected, makes tears flood my eyes. Just don't know where I am. I do know I'm very lucky to have my daughter. She's so so so special.

Anyway, so maybe I'll write again on here about different feelings and experiences now I've started. As the title of my blog describes, I've been happy, I've been sad. Right now I'm a mix, and I'm sure I will be forever. xXx