Bye bye baby....

Rather than putting all the gory details on here, of what I saw, and what I did after, I'll say email me if you want to know them. That way, those of you who want details, of what to expect, of what I've experienced, can read about them, and the rest of you reading now can just hear the outline.
So it's happened. My baby has left me. It's been 21 days since hearing he/she had passed away, and it's taken this long for my body to deal with it. It's only been around 5 days since I started bleeding though.
Throughout yesterday the pains got stronger, and more like contractions. I'm at 15 weeks now, so I guess that's how my body had to deal with it. It felt a little like labour, but more constant, without so many breaks between contractions. The pains span across my pelvis and back, and felt like my pelvis was adjusting and I was getting ready for birth. The painkillers I had at home didn't touch the pains, so I rocked on my knees, trying to go into a state of deep relaxation, like I did during the birth of my daughter, nearly 3 years ago.
Later that evening I thought I'd passed my baby, and the pains got less. Later still though, they returned worse than before, as if they'd been building up to something big, and from what I saw, I know my baby left me. It was like giving birth but on a much much smaller scale.
I cried through the pains leading up to it, and I cried for most of the rest of the night, not from physical pains, but from emotional ones. I'm still crying inside, but think I'm in some kind of shock today, not showing emotion.
I took my daughter to the doctors first thing, as through last night she suffered from the beginnings of an attack of wheezing (asthma maybe). I spoke openly, without tears to the doctor, and she said she'd been though it herself. So many women have. Why? It's so unfair.
I so want another child, for many reasons, but after what I saw last night, and experienced, I feel like I don't know if I want to try again, for risk of it happening again. I don't feel strong enough to go through this again. It's not the pain, as it was short. It was the whole experience of the last 3 weeks.
Tomorrow's another day.

Stronger pains

Ouch......resorting to painkillers now.....feeling a bit distant today, as if detached from myself. The painkillers probably add to that. Think my body must be about to pass my baby, bleeding is much heavier.
Been trying to keep busy still, planning new business ideas and cooking lots. Hard not to think about it though.

Getting it over with....

It's been an emotional day. While out this morning, I saw my first sighting of a new mother with very young baby. I felt so strange. Half of me gazing at the baby in awe, half of me looking away, feeling very tense inside. Tearful, but holding back. After that, I wondered if I should meet up with friends in the afternoon, as planned. I thought it would be good to get it over with, knowing that they all knew, but hadn't seen me for a couple of weeks, but knew it could be upsetting.

Five friends I've known since the birth of my daughter, nearly 3 years, all having given birth around a similar time. Three of them visibly pregnant, two of which had suffered miscarriages last year, two with 2 children already, and one with a beautiful newborn daughter. I would've been ok if they'd have just acted normally, but it was good of them to acknowledge what was going on, and be caring, asking how I was coping. All they said to set me off though, was "Aw, so how are you?", and I would start crying. How mad. All I had to say was "I'm doing ok, thanks", but I couldn't even get those words out. All I could say was I want to talk about it, but can't yet, holding back tears.
I know I have a great group of friends, some of which know what I'm going through, and I do want to talk about it....I don't want to pretend it's not happened and brush it under the carpet, but I just think it's all too current to be talked about yet. Maybe in a few weeks I'll be able to answer that I'm fine, and it was difficult, but I've coped, without lots of tears and sadness filling me up.
Nothing new in the physical side of things yet...just still got pains and bleeding.

Upsetting thoughts

Been feeling quite low today, think the constant rain hasn't helped. It's hard to feel upbeat on a dull rainy day, and when you're feeling like I do on top, it's almost impossible! I wonder how long it'll take, how long the pains (physical) will be here, and if my body will cope with it without needing the D & C.
Each time I check my underwear to see what's going on, I almost feel relieved not to see signs of my baby down there, but know it could/must happen at any time. The most upsetting thing to think about at the moment, is what will I do with it, if I actually think it's there when I look. I mean what do you do with the tissues of an unborn, 7 week or maybe smaller size baby?! Will it even be recognisable, or just look like another clot? Burying seems the best way to go about it, but where?
So upsetting thinking about it, but I know it's something me and my husband have really got to discuss. If he says it's up to me, it'll make it so much harder. Really hope he quietly has some idea of what to do, which he will share with me. What a difficult thing to talk about, don't know how to approach it. I know I've got to talk about it soon though, as each night I go to bed, in those quiet dark moments (hours recently) before sleep, it's all I can think about. Really worrying me.

The tide is high....but I'm holding on....

So the pain's now more steady, like period pains, with the bleeding to accompany them. I guess this is it. Going on what I've read of others' experiences, this may continue for a couple of weeks. I've my next scan in just over a week, to see how far the miscarriage has progressed, when I guess they'll be advising me to have a D & C to finish it off. I doubt I'll agree, again, but I won't know how I'll feel 'til then, as my emotions and general thoughts are so up and down, I don't know what day it is! It's not a time to be making decisions, yet difficult job decisions are being asked to be made. I don't want to mess things up, but I really feel I need some big changes. Now really shouldn't be a time when I need to make such important decisions though.

Like the tide

Well what I thought was the start of it all last night, hasn't seemed to progress. The mild period-like pains seem to come and go, like gentle waves. No sudden tidal wave yet....
just enough pain to remind me what's going on, to remind me of what's happened. Not enough to stop me doing what I need to, gardening, house work, moving our cat's living area away from ours, now my daughter's been shown to have a cat allergy...looking into a change of career to de-stress my life a little.....just the usual things.

Starting to leave.

So I think it's started. I had a strong cramp low down earlier this morning, and was sure something was happening, but still nothing. Then this evening, taking the washing in, mild cramps came and with it the bleeding started. It's not heavy, so maybe it's just like spotting, and may have stopped again by the morning, but I think it's doing what it should at last. It's now been 6 weeks since our baby passed away, it's about time my body did what it should, so we can move on from this part of it all. Unlike some, I didn't choose the surgery to get it over with quickly, but if I still had no signs of miscarrying in a few weeks, then maybe I'd change my mind.
While tucking her up and kissing her goodnight, my daughter asked me "Will you still love me even when I have a little brother or sister?". All her questions and remarks now are when, not if. She knows this baby is leaving us, and is accepting, due to her age, but still thinks she'll get her little brother or sister soon. She has little concept of time really though, so I'm hoping another year or longer away will still make her happy. Although she may have decided it's nice just being the only one to get cuddles and love by then!
People who have just one child, but older, say to me "One's enough, don't you think?!". I just don't see it like that. Through all the troubles, stresses, hospital nights, creams, medicines, wake up's every hour for over two years, she's worth every second of effort, and if her brother or sister who's leaving us had needed more effort than her, I'd never regret bringing them into such a loving family. I do wish it could've been different.
(Listened online to Avril Lavigne's song 'slipped away' last night. It's touching.)

Maybe tomorrow....

So another day has passed, of waiting, expecting something to happen. Again, no signs have appeared. I'm still scared, wondering if my body will ever acknowledge what's happened, and deal with it, or if it'll choose to turn a blind eye, and pretend it's still pregnant for the next 6 months. I wonder how long I'll cope like this, and how long it will be before the docs advise me to give in and go for the surgery. I hope and pray my body will kick in before I have to make that decision. Maybe tomorrow?

2 days later

I guess my husband hasn't put it out of his mind completely. Just before I carry on, I should explain that I don't drink coffee, tea, alcohol or fizzy drinks usually, and I'm the one who's explained how caffeine (in large amounts) isn't good while pregnant (as where he comes from, there are no guidelines). Last night, I was drinking a can of Pepsi that had come free with our take-away, and he turned to me and said "Should you be drinking that? Won't it hurt the baby?". I explained how the sonographer had said our baby had definitely passed away, so it couldn't possibly hurt it. He sounded like he still holds out some hope, saying but what if she was wrong, and it's just small, and hasn't grown much yet, but it could in time. What could I say? He could be right, miracles do happen. There's no doubt in my mind though, I believed what I saw on the monitor, and the proof is there in the two scan photos, showing our baby has got smaller.

Just wondering....

While reading all the relevant stuff on the web since 9th June, I've had one of my questions unanswered. While trying to be hopeful that my pregnancy had occurred later than I'd thought, I wondered how many people who are given the same news as I was, go to their follow-up scan and are told that there is a heart beat. I wondered if the 'hopeful' doctor was being unrealistic, and just trying not to upset me more than I was, or if there really was a good chance of me returning yesterday to find the baby was then 9 weeks old, and now had a heart beat. Is there anyone out there who has had good news at their next scan??? So that's the reason for my poll question below. I'm really hoping there's a lot of women out there who actually had good news at their next scan. Let me know.
xXx

Introductions

So here starts my first ever blog! Been using the internet for 15 years, but now is the first time I've thought about doing this. I guess I've not thought my life was that interesting until now. Now, it's not interesting to a lot of people, but I can see it could be interesting to share with some, those who experience similar things to what I am.

So as a background, I've a daughter who's nearly 3 years old, and I'm going through what doctors describe as a 'hidden' or 'missed' miscarriage. I say going through, as I am 14 weeks pregnant, know that my child has passed away around 6 weeks ago, but my body hasn't yet accepted it, or let go. Other than a lack of that pregnancy feeling, I have no other signs that my child has died.

My first scan was on 9th June, which is when I first found something was wrong. Since some of my friends have recently miscarried, I had a worry of it happening, but not a feeling that it would. So I went alone to my scan. My husband had to work, likewise my mother. I will always remember the words of the sonographer (if that's their correct name?). "I'm very sorry H, your baby only measures as 8 weeks old, and it has no heart beat." It felt like a train had just hit me head-on.

The days after that were floaty. Out of the different people who spoke with me at the hospital, one had given hope, saying that the pregnancy may have occurred later than I thought, and it may be that I was only 8 weeks pregnant, and the heart beat could be detected a week later. So I was to stay as calm as I could until my next scan, and do lots of positive thinking. Those words, in contrast to the sonographers, continued to conflict in my emotions until yesterday, when I went for my last scan.

Yesterday we heard the confirmation that our child had definitely passed away. The baby now only measured at 7 weeks 3 days size, and my womb was changing shape, getting smaller. The options were discussed, and me being me, I couldn't go for surgery unless it was the only option, so here I am waiting for my miscarriage.

My family and friends are great, send me words of support and call to chat. My husband is sensitive and understanding to what's going on, although I know he just wants to not think about it, not to feel so sad....whereas I'd like to talk about it all day. My daughter is accepting that she won't be having a little brother or sister this year after all.

It's weird not knowing how I'll feel in 10 minutes from now. One minute I'm pretty normal, going about my daily stuff, the next, something, often very unconnected, makes tears flood my eyes. Just don't know where I am. I do know I'm very lucky to have my daughter. She's so so so special.

Anyway, so maybe I'll write again on here about different feelings and experiences now I've started. As the title of my blog describes, I've been happy, I've been sad. Right now I'm a mix, and I'm sure I will be forever. xXx