Still here!

Just a quickie to say I've not disappeared! Have been caught up in things a bit recently, so not had the time to focus on writing. Went away for a week too, and only just got back. Will write more in the next couple of days.

Weather is rotten....cold, wet, windy....feel like hibernating!!

Preparations for Eid

Yesterday, I got to cuddle a lovely 6 week old baby called Katy. Her mum left her with me while she went to pick up Katy's brother from school. She was beautiful...soft, so happy, and hands feeling for new things to touch. I felt really warm and happy inside, holding her close to me, looking into her sleepy eyes. Bliss. There are now 5 baby's under 3 months old in my group of friends, so whether I'd like to or not, I can't avoid them! I think it's definitely easier to hold them, or even look at them than it was for me a month ago. I still feel an initial pain inside, and sigh a lot each time I first see them, but I'm not left feeling so sad anymore. Hoping I'm recovering.

I'm still keeping busy anyway! I've had such an extremely busy day today! Up early, took husband to work, daughter to ballet. Then to docs for repeat prescription of my iron pills, then parked the car and walked around most of the town, buying bits and pieces I wanted to get for either gifts, decorations or foods for Eid, then drove to another shop, got loads of extra bits, then home, unpacked, got lunch for my daughter, then out again to pick my husband up, then home, cleaning, hoovering, decorating, back to town to pick up a parcel, then home, more tidying up, then cooked, then finally, at 7.30 sat down for the first time all day! :-) Ahhh....that doesn't include all the extra little things I had to do either, like looking after the chooks (egg number 3 today, 58grams!), keeping my daughter happy, and trying to remember to eat and drink myself!

At least it's all done now though, and it looks nice :-) Loads of flowers and decorations, gifts wrapped, food in the fridge ready to cook tomorrow morning. Good to keep busy.

One thing missing though, is the presence of our friend T. I think of her lots, and this time of year is the most special for us to share together. Really miss her. A detective texted me earlier and said he'd try to call me tomorrow to update me on the case. Am hoping he'll have some good news, but more than likely it'll be the usual 'we're positive we'll have a breakthrough in the case soon'. They've been saying that since a week after she disappeared. I know cases can sometimes be solved years later, but I hope and pray that it won't be that long, for her family and friends, so she can be found, and we can all say goodbye.

So tomorrow will be a happy day, full of excitement for my daughter, and a little sad for me and my husband, missing T. She should be here with us, calling her family, chatting with her brothers and sisters, cooking beautiful Sumatran foods. Maybe she's with us in spirit.

Good news!

I want to share some good news with you all - our chickens have finally started laying! Maybe not exciting for those who prefer the ease of buying food at a supermarket, but very very exciting for people like me, who like growing their own food, and feeding the chickens well to make the eggs tasty! Seems that just one, 'Cheeky' has started laying, a 50g beauty on Saturday, and a 57g beauty this morning. The first one was still warm when my daughter lifted it gently out of the nest box. :-) Such a nice feeling after having them, feeding them well, and seeing them grow over the last couple of months. We shared the first for our lunch, and it was delicious....so different from the usual free-range shop eggs. It was creamy and rich orange colour....yummy :-)

Been having a difficult weekend, as my daughter is really really trying to outsmart me, and control me. She is displaying behaviour I'd only expect from a very difficult teenager. I keep calm, try not to let it bother me, and try to reason with her. It does get too much at times though, and I have to just take a breather in the garden, and listen to the birds in the woods. Hoping it's just changes in her life, starting school, that have upset her usually very nice personality, and that she'll soon settle down. It better not continue until she's an adult anyway, or I may have to call 'Supernanny' or something!!

While out putting the chickens to bed tonight (locking their coop door), I put cloches over our little lettuces and flowering dwarf french beans. The weather for the next few days looks really rotten. I hope it doesn't manage to drown all the veg that we've got left. Atleast we'll still have some chillis, peppers, tomatoes and cucumbers left in the greenhouse, if all else gets too much rain. Have loads of my lovely Stephanotis (Madagascan Jasmine/wedding flower) vines growing well in the greenhouse too, which I grew from seed of my fruit that grew on my original vine. Hoping that next year they'll be flowering well, producing fruit of their own, and maybe I'll be able to sell a few.

Have been slowly try to decorate our house since yesterday, for Eid, which we expect to occur tomorrow. I say 'expect', as it all depends on when my husband's family calls from Indonesia to say it's started. He only celebrates it at the same time as they do, which sometimes may differ to when most people here celebrate it. I've put up shiny silver foil stars and moons around the living room, and my daughter's been helping colour in and make lots of Eid flags to put around the house. Tomorrow will be nice, shopping for nice foods, flowers and gifts, and spending the afternoon decorating, cooking and eating and having fun together hopefully. After lots of things, I've not really felt like celebrating much, but I need it to be special and magical for my daughter, as she misses out on Christmas. As she's getting older, I want her to look forward to a really nice celebration each year, as I used to with Christmas. I do hope as she grows older, and my husband becomes more adapted here, that she'll be able to celebrate the two special days. Time will tell.

Our missing friend

It's approaching the end of Ramadhan, and it's making me and my family think more about our missing friend. This is the time of year when she'd be busy fasting, and often getting fit at the same time, getting very thin. We'd be talking about getting together for an Eid El Fitri feast, which would probably have been at her home this year, as it was at ours last. This time last year was the last time we saw her. I'd prepared foods and drinks for us, but she was still fasting at the time, so we just chatted lots about life, and how she missed her family, and wanted to go back early this year. She brought gifts for my daughter, as usual. She was so kind. We chatted about my daughter's health, her eczema and chest troubles, and T spoke of traditional ways they'd treat them in Sumatra. She stayed a few hours, but I so wish we'd had more time. There's so many things I would've loved to speak with her about.

My brother came across an old photo of her today, when looking at pictures of when my daughter was born, so I thought I'd share it with you. It was taken 3 years ago, when my daughter was just a few days old (you can see how tired I looked!).

As an update, I've not heard anything from the police for a long time now. I've written to her family, and am hoping they'll be in touch with me in time. I'm hoping they'll want to stay in touch. It's now been nearly 9 months since she disappeared.

Yesterday I held a baby not much bigger than my daughter was in that photo. She felt so beautiful, and had that lovely soft feel and smell of babies. It was lovely at the time, but left me feeling quite empty again later in the eve. I've strangely taken to holding one of my first ever soft toys in bed at night again. It seems to make me relax more, and somehow brings comfort when I'm feeling a bit lost. Crazy? Yeah, maybe.

Homegrown food

Thought I'd show a pic of our first crop of potatoes (Pentland Javelin), harvested a couple of weeks ago. Had 2 more bags since then. They are a bit crumbly if boiled, but have discovered that they're lovely as chips!

Had a good meal from our garden for lunch today. One of our last yellow courgettes, our first large green pepper, an onion, a load of spinach, a tomato and a cucumber.....all made into a stir fry! Was delicious! Homegrown food tastes SO much better than shop bought! I'd love to be completely self-sufficient, not just with food, but with energy and everything too.

Haven't much left from our spring-planted crops. Lots of chillies, peppers and cucumbers still maturing, but I think the tomatoes and courgettes are pretty much finished now. I've a tiny watermelon that looks hopeful, and a golf ball-sized pumpkin.....hopefully ready for a halloween lantern! Winter lettuces are looking good, and the dwarf french beans and peas are doing well too. Still got a couple of potato harvests left to dig up also, along with some spring onions that are looking nearly ready. Hopefully that lot will keep us going until the end of the year or early next, saving some money in the supermarket!

Going to try to dig another vegetable bed before winter too, and stick a load of horse manure on it, to get it ready for some planting in spring.

Our chickens all went inside their coop mid morning today, and stayed in for a couple of hours. We think they may be getting ready to lay. Fingers crossed! Hopefully save some money on eggs too then! I will only buy free-range eggs, but the price is double the price of caged and barn eggs. If I couldn't afford to buy them though, I couldn't resort to buying caged or barn ones though.....our chickens are so happy, I hate to think of buying eggs from chickens who don't get the same quality of life.

Ours have all got individual characters....funny! I think one of them may be partially sighted too, poor girl. She often misses food if it's in front of her, and goes off on her own.....very silly behaviour for a chicken, who should stay in the group for safety. Nice but dim.

Back to the usual theme I write about, well there's not much to say. I've my second cycle since my miscarriage, and don't feel ready to think about trying to conceive again. I'm not sure if I ever will again. I get fleeting thoughts of sadness, missing my baby still, and sadness thinking about what might have been, but until my anaemia is resolved, I can't really try for another baby anyway. So I may as well not think about it.

Have been focusing on trying to find another income or job, but as yet, still nothing. Have been keen on exploring the idea of studying a postgraduate course, but difficult to find what I want. I've been looking into what shortage professions there are here, and what I'd be capable of doing with a couple more years of study. Really keen on speech therapy, which I could do as a two year postgraduate diploma to qualify, but there are no courses within a hundred miles of me. Would have to move if I was to do it, probably to London, which I really can't even contemplate after all the recent stresses. I just feel like I need my life to be a bit calmer for a bit. London would be the last place I'd want to move to in the UK, and any move would be stressful anyway.

Maybe our new business idea will pick up soon, and I'll relax a little more with some kind of income. Here's hoping.

Asthma link

I want to show a link to something important. Months ago, my daughter started getting viral induced wheezing, later to be told that it's more likely asthma. Early on, I researched it, and found a big problem with taking paracetamol, leaving the chance of developing asthma much greater. I stopped my daughter having any from then on, and explained why to the doctor. Her response was as if I was crazy, saying it was totally safe. I'm so glad of this article now, hopefully more parents may make the same choice that I have, but earlier on, decreasing the chance of their own babies developing chest problems.

Baby paracetamol asthma concern

A poem

I'd like to share a beautiful, touching poem that a new friend has said I can put on here. My friend has suffered so much loss in her life, and her poems reflect her feelings.

Go ahead and mention my children, the ones that died-you know.
Don’t worry about hurting me further, the depth of my pain doesn’t show.
Don’t worry about making me cry, I am already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing, the tears I try to hide.
I’m hurt when you just keep silent, pretending they didn’t exist.
I’d rather you mention my children, knowing that they are missed.
You asked me how I was doing, I say “pretty good” or “fine”.
But healing is something ongoing, I feel it will take a lifetime.

Written by Kat.

Memorial

A beautiful idea I came across.....

http://aisha-chahaya.gonetoosoon.org/

A short poem I found

I want to add a short poem that I just read. It's touching, and brings comfort:

Those we love don't go away,
They walk beside us every day,
Unseen, unheard, but always near,
Still loved, still missed and very dear.

Strange day

What a weird day. I met with 2 heavily pregnant mothers, and I met 3 new born babies, all within the space of an hour. Strange just gazing at them, smiling, saying how beautiful they were, feeling really detached at the same time. I'm getting good at detaching myself from things, talking without meaning, so as not to feel what's really inside me. I do feel I need a good cry, but I've not felt able to for a while now. I think it needs to come out, as I'm getting quite moody and irritable. Probably because I'm not dealing with things, and I should be. Instead of staying busy, and pretending everything's normal, maybe I should give in, and just be sad for a bit longer. Only the worry of it not being very understandable to people close to me, that's really stopping me. Really shouldn't matter, but it does.

I've also been back in touch with an old school friend, which is great, but sad too, as such a lot has happened since loosing touch, and she's had a really hard time. It makes me realise that the past year has been bad, yeah, but some people have things a lot worse off. I can't say it makes what's been happening in my life any less bad or upsetting, but it does make me realise that it could be a lot lot worse, and I should be grateful that it's not.

Tiredness

I'm getting tired. Not from my very low iron levels (for a change!), but from hearing my daughter keep talking about her little brother or sister in every other conversation. She says, "I know, I could give this blah blah to my little brother or sister to play with, they'd like that!", and "when I'm older, I'll take my little brother or sister to the park, and they can play on the slide!", and "When am I going to have a little brother or sister?". I'm tired of answering and pretending it's ok, saying "If you have one, one day, that'd be nice", and "I don't know when, or if, maybe it'll happen one day." She even asked me "Why did my baby brother or sister die?". Hard one to answer, not knowing the reason, and trying to stay calm while answering too.

I sigh a lot these days, people have noticed. I'm just not sure what's going on in my head. More often than not, I feel like it'd be normal for me to want to try to get pregnant again soon, but I just don't have that feeling. I do feel that I'm missing my baby, and the dreams of when it would be born and become part of our family, and I feel I want my daughter to have a sibling soon, but I just feel a bit like I'd be replacing my baby who died, which feels wrong somehow. I know it wouldn't be like that, it'd be a whole new spirit, but I think I'm just really really confused. I'd probably be really wanting to try again if I didn't have my daughter already, it must change things.

Earlier, my daughter said "Mum, will you always be my mummy, even when I have my little brother or sister?". I said "Yes, of course, I'll always be your mum, forever, only if you had a brother or sister, you'd share me with them." My husband, who's usually quiet in these times, said "And when you have a baby brother or sister, I'll be their daddy too, and I'll cuddle them, like you, and you'll share me too". This, together with the fact he's been holding his bosses new born daughter, and has pictures of him cuddling her, makes me feel like he's wanting us to try again. I really don't know. I know he wasn't keen before I fell pregnant, although was very happy when I was. I just don't know how it'd make me feel if he did want to try for another now. It'd probably confuse me even more! (We're not the best at communicating on this issue, as you may have guessed!)

One nice thing to write though, is that after such a totally rotten year, I've booked us a family holiday to Sardinia later in the year. Feel we all need it, and really deserve it. (Don't feel we can afford it, but hey, we'll cope somehow!)

What's normal here on in?

Having a bad evening, after a reasonable day. At times I feel normal again, then at times like this I feel so so low, more depressed than I've even felt I think. I've not often felt actually depressed in my life. I've had some hard times, but this is so different. If I've felt low over love or grief of a friend or elderly relative, I've always known it was almost self-indulged, and I should just, and could just break out of it. Or drink or smoke or something to relieve the feeling. This is different though. I know there's nothing I can do to change things, and I've so much to be grateful for, but at the same time, I feel myself feeling really really low, not wanting to talk, or do anything. I just feel like going for a long long walk in the country, and sitting next to a river and watching it for hours on end, forgetting everything.I feel like going and getting a bottle of tequila and drinking myself into a dream, but I've not had a drink since I was pregnant with my daughter, nearly 4 years ago. I really feel I want to escape at the moment. It's so weird. I'll probably wake in the morning and feel normal again, keeping busy, keeping normal. I'm actually a little scared of having time to think these days. When will things feel normal again? (Sigh....)

Missing friend.....

It's been a strange week. Tuesday was the 42nd birthday of my friend, T, who's now been missing over 7 months. We put a birthday greeting in the paper to remind people of her, which spurred 4 of the local papers into writing articles about her disappearance. It's good to see their support, and help in trying to publicise the case. We really hope it helps bring something to the surface to help in the case.

Me and my mum took a lovely big bunch of flowers to the local mosque today, before Friday prayers, to help remind people that she's still missing, and still cared about. We chose some really nice stems, and put a birthday greeting message attached to them. T had lots of friends who she prayed with there. Maybe next year we'll take some to the library, which is another place she'd often visit. It's sad that her family aren't here, so we can't do anything with them to remember her. I have written to them this week though, so hoping they'll get in touch soon. I'd like to remain in contact with them, in her memory. She talked about her family in Indonesia a lot, and I'd love for us to visit them one day. I'm hoping that a letter from us will bring them comfort during this time, and that it'll show she was well loved here.

On Tuesday, I also found out that I'm anaemic. I'd had lots of blood tests and an ECG done recently, trying to find out why I'd been getting palpitations more recently over the past few months. I'd thought it was purely down to stress, but my mum said I should get it checked, so I did. Lucky I did, as my iron level is at 6, which is very low, and I'm now having to take 300mg iron, 3 times a day, for the next 4 months. Great fun! I was also told to take beta-blockers too, as the doctor thinks that I'm also suffering from anxiety, due to everything that's happened since January. Think I'll give them a miss though, and see how I get on with the iron. I read that low iron levels during pregnancy, which is what I had 3 years ago, can take up to 10 years to recover to pre-pregnancy levels, and I have been very tired over the last few years.....so I'm wondering whether my iron levels have been dropping steadily since then. I also read that anaemia can cause miscarriage. Could be why it happened. I'm glad I went to the docs, as if I'd have started trying to conceive again, not knowing I was anaemic, it's possible it could've caused another miscarriage. At least now I know, I can recover from it in a few months hopefully, and get my body and mind back on track before thinking about trying for another child.

What career am I looking for?!

So here it is, my situation, and ideas about changing it.

I've been teaching English to foreign students (EFL/ESOL) for the past few years, and think I want a change. I had been teaching in a college for 2 years, on a renewable contract, term by term, but have just quit. I did enjoy the classes, my colleagues, the position, and great wage, BUT, the hour or more drive to work was getting me down, and I was low during my miscarriage, that I said enough is enough, and quit at the end of term. I do regret making that decision when I did, but I know that the hours I'd been allocated in September weren't good, and most importantly, my priorities changed, and it just wasn't right for me.

So here I am, two months after finishing, feeling like I'm slowly getting back to feeling normal, and feeling I need an income. I feel I need to earn a minimum of £100 a week to cover food and bills, but there are some conditions to a job I'd accept. Ideally, I'd like to be doing something which isn't stressful, but can be challenging, is mornings only, and no further than 20 minutes drive away. I would LOVE to try working at home, for myself, but not sure what to do. My interests are art, culture, plants, nature, animals, music, and my degree was in Plant Sciences. I've had no post-degree experience in that field, but am open to getting some, but there's not much around. I definitely don't want to be stuck in a lab working with test tubes all day, it's not me.

Me and my husband are trying to sort out a small business working from home, but until it gets off the ground, I need a back-up plan for at least the next 6 months. I've been looking for jobs in the usual places, but there doesn't seem to be anything that comes close to what I want. I've thought about doing something like selling from magazine drops, like kleeneze type job, but selling stuff I'm more passionate about, like organic stuff. I'm just not sure that's me either though.

I know I'm lacking confidence at the moment, and need to get back out into the world of work to regain some, but to be honest, I want to be at home, caring for our daughter, growing our veg, looking after the chickens, keeping home nice. Just can't really do that on my husbands small income alone. Have been trying to come up with some kind of course I can study that will let me get a job that will be just mornings, but I just don't know where to start. If I study something, it'll take time too, and I'll still need an income while I'm studying!

So what should I try??? Any advice??

Can't shake the tears

Hello again anyone who's reading. I've not felt like writing much recently, as you may have noticed. In some ways I've been feeling more normal again, but at the same time, feeling quite antisocial too. I've not taken my daughter out to meet her friends / my friends for a couple of weeks, and only really been seeing my best friend and family instead. I've just not really felt like doing what I usually spend my time doing, and I've started to relax a lot more, knowing I've not got to do the normal things like go out to a play place for coffee n make pleasant chit chat about potty training and the like. I've just been feeling a bit weird, and just wanted to see the people closest to me. I am at risk of friends thinking I'm not making an effort, and therefore just not inviting me out anymore, but the way I see it, is I've been through a lot, and the friends which matter, will still be there when I've come out the end of this tunnel, understanding why I've been like this. I hope.

I've felt a little sad on and off over the last week. I spent the day with my pregnant best friend, and her 1yr old son a few days ago. It was a beautiful day, spent out in the garden, enjoying the weather, company and food (and new chickens in the garden!), and just chatting about everything as normal. My miscarriage didn't enter into the conversation until she was leaving, so it was quite a nice day of uplifting company. After she'd left though, I felt quite sad, thinking of how she's now at the stage in her pregnancy that I was when I was miscarrying, and she looks so good, bump growing, herself glowing and happy, the way it should be....but with me feeling not jealous, but sad, knowing I should've been like she is, instead of having just a small bump, carrying my baby who'd passed away. I expect to feel like this whenever I see her from now on, which isn't a nice prospect, as I'm so so happy for her and her family, so don't want it linked to my sadness and loss. I look forward to the day she gives birth next January, a month after I was due, but I also dread it, knowing the heart ache I'm likely to feel when I hold her baby for the first time, just a few days old, just a month after I should've been holding my own.

The other day, I asked the doctor if it was normal that I was still bleeding, 5 weeks from when I started miscarrying. It appeared as though the last week has been like menstruation, rather than the end of my miscarriage, although the gynae consultant had said I'd bleed until my uterus was empty, then have a few weeks of not bleeding, before my period. Anyway, the doc said that it was normal, and that by having a natural miscarriage, with no intervention, I could bleed for some time. Put my mind at rest, but doesn't make it any less frustrating, and annoying. The worst thing is, that earlier tonight, I was thinking of if I'd ever bled for this long before, and I could only think back to when I'd given birth to my daughter. Then I thought how that time was not annoying at all, but a happy feeling, being so totally consumed with happiness of caring for my baby, that I couldn't care less if I'd have continued bleeding for months and months. This time, seeing the blood, I'm reminded again and again of what's happened, and I have no beautiful baby to in my arms to take my mind off it.

I still find myself crying tears silently at night, on my husbands shoulder, just thinking too much about what's happened, why, and what could've been. It's not every night like a month ago, but it's still every few days. Seven and a half weeks ago I heard the news from the ultrasound. 2 days ago, on the 30th, was a month since my baby left my tummy, and a month before yesterday was when I said my goodbyes and buried them. It's difficult to just not think about it all. Most of the day I can stay distracted, but at times when it's quiet, especially going to bed, it's impossible to think of anything else. A week or so ago, I would've said things were getting back to normal, my feelings returning to more stable and steady ones. It's just up and down though really.

On to something a little lighter, I've been looking at jewellery, trying to find the perfect piece to wear, to always remind me, but in a positive way, to remind me of the 15.5 weeks we shared together. Of the little time, but really happy time we shared. I've seen a couple of chains with charms on, but still not found exactly what I want. Whatever that is!?

I've been keeping busy with our new chickens too....can't wait until they start laying, and we can have fresh eggs for brekky!

Keeping busy renovating my old dolls house for my daughter's birthday aswell. Loving seeing it change, but also a bit sentimental and sad tearing off the wallpaper that my father and mother so lovingly put on for me when I was 4 years old. They're happy I'm passing it on to her though.

Enough for now anyway. After not writing for so long, I just can't stop now! I may write about my job ideas tomorrow or when I next have time. I'd love some advice about it all too, if anyone would like to offer any. I'm at a point where I could start anything, but have restrictions as I want to be close to home, and my daughter and things. Will explain more soon.

Nearly complete and empty too.

It's been nearly a week since I last wrote on here. I feel that the week has whizzed past, although nothing much has happened. The start of the week was hard, too much time spent dwelling on what's happened, but the end of the week has been much easier on my emotions.
I received the homeopathic remedies I'd ordered, to help my miscarriage along. Secale and Caulophyllum. I think they made my bleeding heavier, so did what I hoped, although I'd expected them to cause some contractions, but I didn't feel anything of the kind. By the time Friday arrived, my last scan appointment, my bleeding had slowed, and I was wondering if the remedies had completed the job. I was dreading the scan, knowing they'd probably give another internal one, and wondering if I'd get all upset again from overly sympathetic hospital staff.
So Friday afternoon I went for my scan, alone this time, and thankfully didn't get upset, and was told I didn't need to return for another - all being well in a week or so. At last! The scan woman was clinical this time, not sympathetic and warm like the previous women have been, but that was good, as it allowed me to stay calm and focused, and talk for a change. She checked me out, and said again that both ovaries looked healthy, but the miscarriage still wasn't complete. Disappointed, I walked back to the ward, to await a discussion with a doctor. This time, a gynaecological consultant spoke with me, and was really positive. She said how she thinks I made the right decision weeks ago, not going for surgery or pills, as my body seems to have done a very good job of dealing with it naturally. She said it doesn't happen so well in all cases, and many women do opt for a quicker solution of taking medical help, but in my case, my body's done well. She said there's still a centimeter and a half size clot there, but she said that even with a D and C or Evac, clots bigger than that are often left inside. So I felt very happy to have been able to do it my way, and to have got away with it. It's still not over until I stop bleeding, but the doc seemed confident that it'd probably be complete within a week.
She spoke of trying to wait at least a month or one period before trying to conceive again, or preferably 6 months if we can, to give my body and mind time to recover. I said how this baby had been unplanned, but how we'd been very happy looking forward to its arrival, so wasn't sure if we'd want to try now, or not.
I've actually felt normal again since Thursday, which is weird, but I guess it's good. I do feel guilty when I feel like this though, as I feel I should be sad and mourning our baby for a long time. It has been a month and 3 days since I heard our baby had passed away, and it's been just 12 days since it left my body. Maybe I'm still in shock, or maybe I've just been able to keep busy enough not to have too much time to think for the last few days.
I've been trying to focus on our daughter more than my sad feelings. I've been trying to do more things with her, jigsaws together, playing together, and enjoying being with her whenever I can. I love her so much. We went to IKEA today for the first time ever, and picked up an extending children's bed for her birthday. Crazy shopping experience, not sure I enjoyed it, but it was different.
Anyway, now I'm feeling a little more normal, I'll probably not be writing so much on here. This was started as a way of helping other women who want to hear a first hand experience of a missed, silent, delayed miscarriage, so I doubt I'll continue it once the miscarriage is complete. I don't know, it depends how I feel. The miscarriage may be complete in a few days, but it's bound to still be on my mind for life. It's like the miscarriage will be complete, but I'll be left empty.
Feel free to get in touch if you'd like to know more on anything I've written.
Over and out for a few days probably.......

Return of the low tide...

Today has been a difficult day. I think I've had too much time to think, as due to feeling a bit tired from last night, I didn't keep myself busy as I have done for the past few weeks. I've just lazed around, eaten lots, and talked very little. I sat in the garden, just thinking, remembering what happened a week ago, I sat in front of the computer for ages, reading other peoples' blogs and miscarriage stories, and it all got to me. My daughter was out for the afternoon with my mum, so I couldn't even distract myself with her keeping me busy. My husband was watching the tennis final, so he wasn't really into communicating either.
So all in all, I've had much too much time to think, and it's upset me. I feel like going to bed and staying there tomorrow, and for the next week or so. I'm meant to be assisting with a nature toddler group tomorrow pm, but don't think I can face it. I've not told the leader what's happening yet, and I know I've got to, but don't want to have to.
I've been feeling like I miss my baby, and miss the happiness I felt with it growing inside me, looking forward to seeing them, and holding them, and feeding them, in just a few months time. I feel like I want to feel like that again, but not feeling like trying again. Just that I want things back the way they were, and for none of this to have ever happened.
I just don't know how to pick myself up at the moment. I'm eating too much, and dwelling on what's happened too much. I need to snap out of it. On a positive note though, I have had contact from some lovely women, who are experiencing similar things, and we're helping (I think) to support and understand what each other is going through. It's good to open up to people who truly understand.
Bed now, goodnight.xXx

Last night

If anyone's interested, I've posted a couple of video's of last night at the bottom of this page. Hope you enjoy watching them! Was really nice being able to switch off from my thoughts for a couple of hours and smile again :-)

Can't hide forever.....

Hi to Guatemala girl, nice to be in touch. I'm sorry you went through the same in May. I hope you're getting over it ok, and have lots of support. Feel free to email if you want to chat more.

I had a bit of a low day yesterday, I think it was due to the scan on Thursday. I was often thinking of the 'what ifs', and how it was so unfair. How I wanted my baby in my arms in a few months time, but it'll never happen. I had a nice visit from a friend yesterday morning though, and we talked and talked, as she's been through a very similar miscarriage a few months ago. It was good comparing our feelings about what had happened. She's now 27 weeks pregnant with her 2nd child, and having a hard time relaxing after what happened. I can imagine how hard it'd be. We both agreed though, that although we have had some very bad luck recently, we are both very blessed to have our first children. I don't know if I could try for another child so quickly though, I don't know if I would like to risk going through all this again.
My bleeding has eased a lot in the last couple of days. After hearing from the scan that there's still a lot I need to 'expel', I've been hoping I'd continue to bleed heavily and get it over with, so as to avoid the need for medical intervention. It doesn't seem to be happening very successfully though. At least since Sunday I'm sure my baby isn't with me, so it's just what's left over, the lining of my womb, that is still there. If needs be, I don't mind the thought of surgery to remove that, if absolutely necessary.
I've ordered some homeopathic remedies to try to help, hoping they'll help to remove what's left. They're said to be useful in circumstances such as mine, when the body slows down it's contractions in childbirth, and when the womb is upset. I was hoping they'd arrive today, but no sign of them. I'm hoping they'll arrive on Monday, and do the job, so that the scan on Friday shows the miscarriage is complete. If not, I'm not sure how long I can go on trying to do the right thing. I'm getting very upset with hospital visits, I just want to move on and feel more normal again.
I've just come back from a village summer fair in aid of my father's church. It was really busy, especially for such a rainy day. It was hard to make myself go though, as I knew what it'd be like. Everyone I saw asked how I was, and if I was ok, and were sympathetic. Word has got around, which is good, knowing everyone is thinking of me and supporting me, but it was also hard, putting on a brave face and smiling even when I didn't want to. I knew I had to go though, as I had to get it over with. Like that first time meeting up with my friends after hearing the news. I dreaded it, and it was hard, but I can't hide forever. It's times like this when friends and family are really important, and I feel very lucky to have so many caring people in my life.
Making a big effort tonight too. We rarely go out, but have decided to go to a welsh dancing/folk music evening. My brother does traditional welsh dancing, and loves these evenings that happen a couple of times a year, so we're taking him up on his invite for once, thinking it may cheer us up. Will only stay an hour or so, as taking our daughter too, but still, it's a big effort to go out while I'm feeling like I am. Will hopefully really enjoy it.

Third scan.....

Today I went for my third scan, in little over 3 weeks. Thought it would be easier this time, having gone through what I did on Sunday night, and having got my head around the fact my baby had gone. I'm still bleeding, but thought I was over the worst. I was going to go alone, thinking it'd be painless, but I'm glad my husband said he'd come too. I needed him.

It was upsetting going to the same scan place as I'd been to on the 9th, when I heard the news
first time. The women sonographers were excellent, so supportive and sympathetic, which I think made it harder in a way. They were so comforting. I tried to be strong, hold it together, give the facts, hear the facts, and accept it all, but I broke down in tears again.

After Sunday, I expected them to say that the miscarriage was nearly complete, and my body had dealt with it well. Instead, they told me that there's still a lot inside, which needs to come out. They couldn't be sure that my baby has gone yet or not, as it's unclear what is still there. I described what I'd seen on Sunday night though, and they think it's likely the baby left me then. They just couldn't be sure. It was strange, as since that night, I've said goodbye, and have been trying to get over it. Having them say they're not sure though, made me quite upset.

They checked me over during the scan, checking my ovaries, which they said looked healthy. I'm happy and feel very lucky to know that, but I still don't know if I'd like to try for another baby, as I don't know if I could go through this again. It's different to the way I felt (and most feel?) after a difficult childbirth. Then, it was a feeling of not wanting to go through that much pain again, but knowing that in time, the pain would disappear. This is a feeling of not wanting to go through the heartache of hearing the bad news, and then having to give birth to a child who I'll never hold and kiss. Ok, the baby wasn't recognisable in form, but I'm sure I said goodbye to it that night. I know the heartache will fade, but I'm sure the images from memories of that night, and being told the news on the 9th, will be with me forever. I wonder how my husband feels about the future. He says how he feels sad at times, when he finds himself thinking about having a baby with us in a few months, but then remembers what's happened. Makes me wonder would he like to try for one again soon, or will he feel too sad too?

It's so hard staying strong. I get on with things each day, I'm doing well at keeping busy. After my midday scan today, I baked cakes with my daughter, tidied and hoovered the house, changed the beds, did washing, checked the greenhouse, cooked tea and put my daughter to bed. That's a lot for me. It's been like that since the news in my first scan.

Hoping to meet up with a friend tomorrow morning. She went through the same a few months ago. It's so sad that so many have been through, and are going through the same. I wish it didn't have to be like this. Got my next scan a week tomorrow. I hate the idea of having to go through it all again in 8 days time....but this is how it's got to be if I don't agree to a D and C yet. I'm still holding out for my body to do what it needs to. It's doing well, I just hope it keeps going. Will let you know....

A little more conversation.....

Just as something a bit unconnected from my usual posts, I want to say hi to my regular readers. I have a 'sitemeter' on my page, which tells me what country people log in from....I appear to have regular readers from Arcadia, Crescent City and LA in California, other parts of the US, Tallahassee in Florida, Grants Pass in Oregon, Jackson in Mississippi, Columbus in Ohio. Then closer to home I have readers from Swindon, Crawley and Rotherham in the UK, far far away in Guatemala City, and Ontario and Alberta in Canada.
So I just want to say 'HI' to you all. I'm guessing you're all going through something similar to myself, which is how you find me, or why you're reading (unless you're someone who knows me)....so I just want to say you're not alone. There's loads of support and great loads of positive thinking flying around for all of us. Hope you all find some for yourselves. We aren't alone, we just have to reach out and accept the support from those close to us. Even when we feel like curling up ignoring the world. Some of you will have strong religious faiths...I hope that helps you too. Would love for you all to get in touch and share your story with me. My email address is on my profile.....
As a bit of an update, there's nothing new miscarriage wise. No pains since Monday morning. Nothing physical anyway. Think I'm still in shock after what happened Sunday night. Will the images in my head ever go away? Do I really want them to? Message for MDM....thinking of you too....

Bye bye baby....

Rather than putting all the gory details on here, of what I saw, and what I did after, I'll say email me if you want to know them. That way, those of you who want details, of what to expect, of what I've experienced, can read about them, and the rest of you reading now can just hear the outline.
So it's happened. My baby has left me. It's been 21 days since hearing he/she had passed away, and it's taken this long for my body to deal with it. It's only been around 5 days since I started bleeding though.
Throughout yesterday the pains got stronger, and more like contractions. I'm at 15 weeks now, so I guess that's how my body had to deal with it. It felt a little like labour, but more constant, without so many breaks between contractions. The pains span across my pelvis and back, and felt like my pelvis was adjusting and I was getting ready for birth. The painkillers I had at home didn't touch the pains, so I rocked on my knees, trying to go into a state of deep relaxation, like I did during the birth of my daughter, nearly 3 years ago.
Later that evening I thought I'd passed my baby, and the pains got less. Later still though, they returned worse than before, as if they'd been building up to something big, and from what I saw, I know my baby left me. It was like giving birth but on a much much smaller scale.
I cried through the pains leading up to it, and I cried for most of the rest of the night, not from physical pains, but from emotional ones. I'm still crying inside, but think I'm in some kind of shock today, not showing emotion.
I took my daughter to the doctors first thing, as through last night she suffered from the beginnings of an attack of wheezing (asthma maybe). I spoke openly, without tears to the doctor, and she said she'd been though it herself. So many women have. Why? It's so unfair.
I so want another child, for many reasons, but after what I saw last night, and experienced, I feel like I don't know if I want to try again, for risk of it happening again. I don't feel strong enough to go through this again. It's not the pain, as it was short. It was the whole experience of the last 3 weeks.
Tomorrow's another day.

Stronger pains

Ouch......resorting to painkillers now.....feeling a bit distant today, as if detached from myself. The painkillers probably add to that. Think my body must be about to pass my baby, bleeding is much heavier.
Been trying to keep busy still, planning new business ideas and cooking lots. Hard not to think about it though.

Getting it over with....

It's been an emotional day. While out this morning, I saw my first sighting of a new mother with very young baby. I felt so strange. Half of me gazing at the baby in awe, half of me looking away, feeling very tense inside. Tearful, but holding back. After that, I wondered if I should meet up with friends in the afternoon, as planned. I thought it would be good to get it over with, knowing that they all knew, but hadn't seen me for a couple of weeks, but knew it could be upsetting.

Five friends I've known since the birth of my daughter, nearly 3 years, all having given birth around a similar time. Three of them visibly pregnant, two of which had suffered miscarriages last year, two with 2 children already, and one with a beautiful newborn daughter. I would've been ok if they'd have just acted normally, but it was good of them to acknowledge what was going on, and be caring, asking how I was coping. All they said to set me off though, was "Aw, so how are you?", and I would start crying. How mad. All I had to say was "I'm doing ok, thanks", but I couldn't even get those words out. All I could say was I want to talk about it, but can't yet, holding back tears.
I know I have a great group of friends, some of which know what I'm going through, and I do want to talk about it....I don't want to pretend it's not happened and brush it under the carpet, but I just think it's all too current to be talked about yet. Maybe in a few weeks I'll be able to answer that I'm fine, and it was difficult, but I've coped, without lots of tears and sadness filling me up.
Nothing new in the physical side of things yet...just still got pains and bleeding.

Upsetting thoughts

Been feeling quite low today, think the constant rain hasn't helped. It's hard to feel upbeat on a dull rainy day, and when you're feeling like I do on top, it's almost impossible! I wonder how long it'll take, how long the pains (physical) will be here, and if my body will cope with it without needing the D & C.
Each time I check my underwear to see what's going on, I almost feel relieved not to see signs of my baby down there, but know it could/must happen at any time. The most upsetting thing to think about at the moment, is what will I do with it, if I actually think it's there when I look. I mean what do you do with the tissues of an unborn, 7 week or maybe smaller size baby?! Will it even be recognisable, or just look like another clot? Burying seems the best way to go about it, but where?
So upsetting thinking about it, but I know it's something me and my husband have really got to discuss. If he says it's up to me, it'll make it so much harder. Really hope he quietly has some idea of what to do, which he will share with me. What a difficult thing to talk about, don't know how to approach it. I know I've got to talk about it soon though, as each night I go to bed, in those quiet dark moments (hours recently) before sleep, it's all I can think about. Really worrying me.

The tide is high....but I'm holding on....

So the pain's now more steady, like period pains, with the bleeding to accompany them. I guess this is it. Going on what I've read of others' experiences, this may continue for a couple of weeks. I've my next scan in just over a week, to see how far the miscarriage has progressed, when I guess they'll be advising me to have a D & C to finish it off. I doubt I'll agree, again, but I won't know how I'll feel 'til then, as my emotions and general thoughts are so up and down, I don't know what day it is! It's not a time to be making decisions, yet difficult job decisions are being asked to be made. I don't want to mess things up, but I really feel I need some big changes. Now really shouldn't be a time when I need to make such important decisions though.

Like the tide

Well what I thought was the start of it all last night, hasn't seemed to progress. The mild period-like pains seem to come and go, like gentle waves. No sudden tidal wave yet....
just enough pain to remind me what's going on, to remind me of what's happened. Not enough to stop me doing what I need to, gardening, house work, moving our cat's living area away from ours, now my daughter's been shown to have a cat allergy...looking into a change of career to de-stress my life a little.....just the usual things.

Starting to leave.

So I think it's started. I had a strong cramp low down earlier this morning, and was sure something was happening, but still nothing. Then this evening, taking the washing in, mild cramps came and with it the bleeding started. It's not heavy, so maybe it's just like spotting, and may have stopped again by the morning, but I think it's doing what it should at last. It's now been 6 weeks since our baby passed away, it's about time my body did what it should, so we can move on from this part of it all. Unlike some, I didn't choose the surgery to get it over with quickly, but if I still had no signs of miscarrying in a few weeks, then maybe I'd change my mind.
While tucking her up and kissing her goodnight, my daughter asked me "Will you still love me even when I have a little brother or sister?". All her questions and remarks now are when, not if. She knows this baby is leaving us, and is accepting, due to her age, but still thinks she'll get her little brother or sister soon. She has little concept of time really though, so I'm hoping another year or longer away will still make her happy. Although she may have decided it's nice just being the only one to get cuddles and love by then!
People who have just one child, but older, say to me "One's enough, don't you think?!". I just don't see it like that. Through all the troubles, stresses, hospital nights, creams, medicines, wake up's every hour for over two years, she's worth every second of effort, and if her brother or sister who's leaving us had needed more effort than her, I'd never regret bringing them into such a loving family. I do wish it could've been different.
(Listened online to Avril Lavigne's song 'slipped away' last night. It's touching.)

Maybe tomorrow....

So another day has passed, of waiting, expecting something to happen. Again, no signs have appeared. I'm still scared, wondering if my body will ever acknowledge what's happened, and deal with it, or if it'll choose to turn a blind eye, and pretend it's still pregnant for the next 6 months. I wonder how long I'll cope like this, and how long it will be before the docs advise me to give in and go for the surgery. I hope and pray my body will kick in before I have to make that decision. Maybe tomorrow?

2 days later

I guess my husband hasn't put it out of his mind completely. Just before I carry on, I should explain that I don't drink coffee, tea, alcohol or fizzy drinks usually, and I'm the one who's explained how caffeine (in large amounts) isn't good while pregnant (as where he comes from, there are no guidelines). Last night, I was drinking a can of Pepsi that had come free with our take-away, and he turned to me and said "Should you be drinking that? Won't it hurt the baby?". I explained how the sonographer had said our baby had definitely passed away, so it couldn't possibly hurt it. He sounded like he still holds out some hope, saying but what if she was wrong, and it's just small, and hasn't grown much yet, but it could in time. What could I say? He could be right, miracles do happen. There's no doubt in my mind though, I believed what I saw on the monitor, and the proof is there in the two scan photos, showing our baby has got smaller.

Just wondering....

While reading all the relevant stuff on the web since 9th June, I've had one of my questions unanswered. While trying to be hopeful that my pregnancy had occurred later than I'd thought, I wondered how many people who are given the same news as I was, go to their follow-up scan and are told that there is a heart beat. I wondered if the 'hopeful' doctor was being unrealistic, and just trying not to upset me more than I was, or if there really was a good chance of me returning yesterday to find the baby was then 9 weeks old, and now had a heart beat. Is there anyone out there who has had good news at their next scan??? So that's the reason for my poll question below. I'm really hoping there's a lot of women out there who actually had good news at their next scan. Let me know.
xXx

Introductions

So here starts my first ever blog! Been using the internet for 15 years, but now is the first time I've thought about doing this. I guess I've not thought my life was that interesting until now. Now, it's not interesting to a lot of people, but I can see it could be interesting to share with some, those who experience similar things to what I am.

So as a background, I've a daughter who's nearly 3 years old, and I'm going through what doctors describe as a 'hidden' or 'missed' miscarriage. I say going through, as I am 14 weeks pregnant, know that my child has passed away around 6 weeks ago, but my body hasn't yet accepted it, or let go. Other than a lack of that pregnancy feeling, I have no other signs that my child has died.

My first scan was on 9th June, which is when I first found something was wrong. Since some of my friends have recently miscarried, I had a worry of it happening, but not a feeling that it would. So I went alone to my scan. My husband had to work, likewise my mother. I will always remember the words of the sonographer (if that's their correct name?). "I'm very sorry H, your baby only measures as 8 weeks old, and it has no heart beat." It felt like a train had just hit me head-on.

The days after that were floaty. Out of the different people who spoke with me at the hospital, one had given hope, saying that the pregnancy may have occurred later than I thought, and it may be that I was only 8 weeks pregnant, and the heart beat could be detected a week later. So I was to stay as calm as I could until my next scan, and do lots of positive thinking. Those words, in contrast to the sonographers, continued to conflict in my emotions until yesterday, when I went for my last scan.

Yesterday we heard the confirmation that our child had definitely passed away. The baby now only measured at 7 weeks 3 days size, and my womb was changing shape, getting smaller. The options were discussed, and me being me, I couldn't go for surgery unless it was the only option, so here I am waiting for my miscarriage.

My family and friends are great, send me words of support and call to chat. My husband is sensitive and understanding to what's going on, although I know he just wants to not think about it, not to feel so sad....whereas I'd like to talk about it all day. My daughter is accepting that she won't be having a little brother or sister this year after all.

It's weird not knowing how I'll feel in 10 minutes from now. One minute I'm pretty normal, going about my daily stuff, the next, something, often very unconnected, makes tears flood my eyes. Just don't know where I am. I do know I'm very lucky to have my daughter. She's so so so special.

Anyway, so maybe I'll write again on here about different feelings and experiences now I've started. As the title of my blog describes, I've been happy, I've been sad. Right now I'm a mix, and I'm sure I will be forever. xXx