Tiredness

I'm getting tired. Not from my very low iron levels (for a change!), but from hearing my daughter keep talking about her little brother or sister in every other conversation. She says, "I know, I could give this blah blah to my little brother or sister to play with, they'd like that!", and "when I'm older, I'll take my little brother or sister to the park, and they can play on the slide!", and "When am I going to have a little brother or sister?". I'm tired of answering and pretending it's ok, saying "If you have one, one day, that'd be nice", and "I don't know when, or if, maybe it'll happen one day." She even asked me "Why did my baby brother or sister die?". Hard one to answer, not knowing the reason, and trying to stay calm while answering too.

I sigh a lot these days, people have noticed. I'm just not sure what's going on in my head. More often than not, I feel like it'd be normal for me to want to try to get pregnant again soon, but I just don't have that feeling. I do feel that I'm missing my baby, and the dreams of when it would be born and become part of our family, and I feel I want my daughter to have a sibling soon, but I just feel a bit like I'd be replacing my baby who died, which feels wrong somehow. I know it wouldn't be like that, it'd be a whole new spirit, but I think I'm just really really confused. I'd probably be really wanting to try again if I didn't have my daughter already, it must change things.

Earlier, my daughter said "Mum, will you always be my mummy, even when I have my little brother or sister?". I said "Yes, of course, I'll always be your mum, forever, only if you had a brother or sister, you'd share me with them." My husband, who's usually quiet in these times, said "And when you have a baby brother or sister, I'll be their daddy too, and I'll cuddle them, like you, and you'll share me too". This, together with the fact he's been holding his bosses new born daughter, and has pictures of him cuddling her, makes me feel like he's wanting us to try again. I really don't know. I know he wasn't keen before I fell pregnant, although was very happy when I was. I just don't know how it'd make me feel if he did want to try for another now. It'd probably confuse me even more! (We're not the best at communicating on this issue, as you may have guessed!)

One nice thing to write though, is that after such a totally rotten year, I've booked us a family holiday to Sardinia later in the year. Feel we all need it, and really deserve it. (Don't feel we can afford it, but hey, we'll cope somehow!)

What's normal here on in?

Having a bad evening, after a reasonable day. At times I feel normal again, then at times like this I feel so so low, more depressed than I've even felt I think. I've not often felt actually depressed in my life. I've had some hard times, but this is so different. If I've felt low over love or grief of a friend or elderly relative, I've always known it was almost self-indulged, and I should just, and could just break out of it. Or drink or smoke or something to relieve the feeling. This is different though. I know there's nothing I can do to change things, and I've so much to be grateful for, but at the same time, I feel myself feeling really really low, not wanting to talk, or do anything. I just feel like going for a long long walk in the country, and sitting next to a river and watching it for hours on end, forgetting everything.I feel like going and getting a bottle of tequila and drinking myself into a dream, but I've not had a drink since I was pregnant with my daughter, nearly 4 years ago. I really feel I want to escape at the moment. It's so weird. I'll probably wake in the morning and feel normal again, keeping busy, keeping normal. I'm actually a little scared of having time to think these days. When will things feel normal again? (Sigh....)

Missing friend.....

It's been a strange week. Tuesday was the 42nd birthday of my friend, T, who's now been missing over 7 months. We put a birthday greeting in the paper to remind people of her, which spurred 4 of the local papers into writing articles about her disappearance. It's good to see their support, and help in trying to publicise the case. We really hope it helps bring something to the surface to help in the case.

Me and my mum took a lovely big bunch of flowers to the local mosque today, before Friday prayers, to help remind people that she's still missing, and still cared about. We chose some really nice stems, and put a birthday greeting message attached to them. T had lots of friends who she prayed with there. Maybe next year we'll take some to the library, which is another place she'd often visit. It's sad that her family aren't here, so we can't do anything with them to remember her. I have written to them this week though, so hoping they'll get in touch soon. I'd like to remain in contact with them, in her memory. She talked about her family in Indonesia a lot, and I'd love for us to visit them one day. I'm hoping that a letter from us will bring them comfort during this time, and that it'll show she was well loved here.

On Tuesday, I also found out that I'm anaemic. I'd had lots of blood tests and an ECG done recently, trying to find out why I'd been getting palpitations more recently over the past few months. I'd thought it was purely down to stress, but my mum said I should get it checked, so I did. Lucky I did, as my iron level is at 6, which is very low, and I'm now having to take 300mg iron, 3 times a day, for the next 4 months. Great fun! I was also told to take beta-blockers too, as the doctor thinks that I'm also suffering from anxiety, due to everything that's happened since January. Think I'll give them a miss though, and see how I get on with the iron. I read that low iron levels during pregnancy, which is what I had 3 years ago, can take up to 10 years to recover to pre-pregnancy levels, and I have been very tired over the last few years.....so I'm wondering whether my iron levels have been dropping steadily since then. I also read that anaemia can cause miscarriage. Could be why it happened. I'm glad I went to the docs, as if I'd have started trying to conceive again, not knowing I was anaemic, it's possible it could've caused another miscarriage. At least now I know, I can recover from it in a few months hopefully, and get my body and mind back on track before thinking about trying for another child.

What career am I looking for?!

So here it is, my situation, and ideas about changing it.

I've been teaching English to foreign students (EFL/ESOL) for the past few years, and think I want a change. I had been teaching in a college for 2 years, on a renewable contract, term by term, but have just quit. I did enjoy the classes, my colleagues, the position, and great wage, BUT, the hour or more drive to work was getting me down, and I was low during my miscarriage, that I said enough is enough, and quit at the end of term. I do regret making that decision when I did, but I know that the hours I'd been allocated in September weren't good, and most importantly, my priorities changed, and it just wasn't right for me.

So here I am, two months after finishing, feeling like I'm slowly getting back to feeling normal, and feeling I need an income. I feel I need to earn a minimum of £100 a week to cover food and bills, but there are some conditions to a job I'd accept. Ideally, I'd like to be doing something which isn't stressful, but can be challenging, is mornings only, and no further than 20 minutes drive away. I would LOVE to try working at home, for myself, but not sure what to do. My interests are art, culture, plants, nature, animals, music, and my degree was in Plant Sciences. I've had no post-degree experience in that field, but am open to getting some, but there's not much around. I definitely don't want to be stuck in a lab working with test tubes all day, it's not me.

Me and my husband are trying to sort out a small business working from home, but until it gets off the ground, I need a back-up plan for at least the next 6 months. I've been looking for jobs in the usual places, but there doesn't seem to be anything that comes close to what I want. I've thought about doing something like selling from magazine drops, like kleeneze type job, but selling stuff I'm more passionate about, like organic stuff. I'm just not sure that's me either though.

I know I'm lacking confidence at the moment, and need to get back out into the world of work to regain some, but to be honest, I want to be at home, caring for our daughter, growing our veg, looking after the chickens, keeping home nice. Just can't really do that on my husbands small income alone. Have been trying to come up with some kind of course I can study that will let me get a job that will be just mornings, but I just don't know where to start. If I study something, it'll take time too, and I'll still need an income while I'm studying!

So what should I try??? Any advice??

Can't shake the tears

Hello again anyone who's reading. I've not felt like writing much recently, as you may have noticed. In some ways I've been feeling more normal again, but at the same time, feeling quite antisocial too. I've not taken my daughter out to meet her friends / my friends for a couple of weeks, and only really been seeing my best friend and family instead. I've just not really felt like doing what I usually spend my time doing, and I've started to relax a lot more, knowing I've not got to do the normal things like go out to a play place for coffee n make pleasant chit chat about potty training and the like. I've just been feeling a bit weird, and just wanted to see the people closest to me. I am at risk of friends thinking I'm not making an effort, and therefore just not inviting me out anymore, but the way I see it, is I've been through a lot, and the friends which matter, will still be there when I've come out the end of this tunnel, understanding why I've been like this. I hope.

I've felt a little sad on and off over the last week. I spent the day with my pregnant best friend, and her 1yr old son a few days ago. It was a beautiful day, spent out in the garden, enjoying the weather, company and food (and new chickens in the garden!), and just chatting about everything as normal. My miscarriage didn't enter into the conversation until she was leaving, so it was quite a nice day of uplifting company. After she'd left though, I felt quite sad, thinking of how she's now at the stage in her pregnancy that I was when I was miscarrying, and she looks so good, bump growing, herself glowing and happy, the way it should be....but with me feeling not jealous, but sad, knowing I should've been like she is, instead of having just a small bump, carrying my baby who'd passed away. I expect to feel like this whenever I see her from now on, which isn't a nice prospect, as I'm so so happy for her and her family, so don't want it linked to my sadness and loss. I look forward to the day she gives birth next January, a month after I was due, but I also dread it, knowing the heart ache I'm likely to feel when I hold her baby for the first time, just a few days old, just a month after I should've been holding my own.

The other day, I asked the doctor if it was normal that I was still bleeding, 5 weeks from when I started miscarrying. It appeared as though the last week has been like menstruation, rather than the end of my miscarriage, although the gynae consultant had said I'd bleed until my uterus was empty, then have a few weeks of not bleeding, before my period. Anyway, the doc said that it was normal, and that by having a natural miscarriage, with no intervention, I could bleed for some time. Put my mind at rest, but doesn't make it any less frustrating, and annoying. The worst thing is, that earlier tonight, I was thinking of if I'd ever bled for this long before, and I could only think back to when I'd given birth to my daughter. Then I thought how that time was not annoying at all, but a happy feeling, being so totally consumed with happiness of caring for my baby, that I couldn't care less if I'd have continued bleeding for months and months. This time, seeing the blood, I'm reminded again and again of what's happened, and I have no beautiful baby to in my arms to take my mind off it.

I still find myself crying tears silently at night, on my husbands shoulder, just thinking too much about what's happened, why, and what could've been. It's not every night like a month ago, but it's still every few days. Seven and a half weeks ago I heard the news from the ultrasound. 2 days ago, on the 30th, was a month since my baby left my tummy, and a month before yesterday was when I said my goodbyes and buried them. It's difficult to just not think about it all. Most of the day I can stay distracted, but at times when it's quiet, especially going to bed, it's impossible to think of anything else. A week or so ago, I would've said things were getting back to normal, my feelings returning to more stable and steady ones. It's just up and down though really.

On to something a little lighter, I've been looking at jewellery, trying to find the perfect piece to wear, to always remind me, but in a positive way, to remind me of the 15.5 weeks we shared together. Of the little time, but really happy time we shared. I've seen a couple of chains with charms on, but still not found exactly what I want. Whatever that is!?

I've been keeping busy with our new chickens too....can't wait until they start laying, and we can have fresh eggs for brekky!

Keeping busy renovating my old dolls house for my daughter's birthday aswell. Loving seeing it change, but also a bit sentimental and sad tearing off the wallpaper that my father and mother so lovingly put on for me when I was 4 years old. They're happy I'm passing it on to her though.

Enough for now anyway. After not writing for so long, I just can't stop now! I may write about my job ideas tomorrow or when I next have time. I'd love some advice about it all too, if anyone would like to offer any. I'm at a point where I could start anything, but have restrictions as I want to be close to home, and my daughter and things. Will explain more soon.