Hello again anyone who's reading. I've not felt like writing much recently, as you may have noticed. In some ways I've been feeling more normal again, but at the same time, feeling quite antisocial too. I've not taken my daughter out to meet her friends / my friends for a couple of weeks, and only really been seeing my best friend and family instead. I've just not really felt like doing what I usually spend my time doing, and I've started to relax a lot more, knowing I've not got to do the normal things like go out to a play place for coffee n make pleasant chit chat about potty training and the like. I've just been feeling a bit weird, and just wanted to see the people closest to me. I am at risk of friends thinking I'm not making an effort, and therefore just not inviting me out anymore, but the way I see it, is I've been through a lot, and the friends which matter, will still be there when I've come out the end of this tunnel, understanding why I've been like this. I hope.
I've felt a little sad on and off over the last week. I spent the day with my pregnant best friend, and her 1yr old son a few days ago. It was a beautiful day, spent out in the garden, enjoying the weather, company and food (and new chickens in the garden!), and just chatting about everything as normal. My miscarriage didn't enter into the conversation until she was leaving, so it was quite a nice day of uplifting company. After she'd left though, I felt quite sad, thinking of how she's now at the stage in her pregnancy that I was when I was miscarrying, and she looks so good, bump growing, herself glowing and happy, the way it should be....but with me feeling not jealous, but sad, knowing I should've been like she is, instead of having just a small bump, carrying my baby who'd passed away. I expect to feel like this whenever I see her from now on, which isn't a nice prospect, as I'm so so happy for her and her family, so don't want it linked to my sadness and loss. I look forward to the day she gives birth next January, a month after I was due, but I also dread it, knowing the heart ache I'm likely to feel when I hold her baby for the first time, just a few days old, just a month after I should've been holding my own.
The other day, I asked the doctor if it was normal that I was still bleeding, 5 weeks from when I started miscarrying. It appeared as though the last week has been like menstruation, rather than the end of my miscarriage, although the gynae consultant had said I'd bleed until my uterus was empty, then have a few weeks of not bleeding, before my period. Anyway, the doc said that it was normal, and that by having a natural miscarriage, with no intervention, I could bleed for some time. Put my mind at rest, but doesn't make it any less frustrating, and annoying. The worst thing is, that earlier tonight, I was thinking of if I'd ever bled for this long before, and I could only think back to when I'd given birth to my daughter. Then I thought how that time was not annoying at all, but a happy feeling, being so totally consumed with happiness of caring for my baby, that I couldn't care less if I'd have continued bleeding for months and months. This time, seeing the blood, I'm reminded again and again of what's happened, and I have no beautiful baby to in my arms to take my mind off it.
I still find myself crying tears silently at night, on my husbands shoulder, just thinking too much about what's happened, why, and what could've been. It's not every night like a month ago, but it's still every few days. Seven and a half weeks ago I heard the news from the ultrasound. 2 days ago, on the 30th, was a month since my baby left my tummy, and a month before yesterday was when I said my goodbyes and buried them. It's difficult to just not think about it all. Most of the day I can stay distracted, but at times when it's quiet, especially going to bed, it's impossible to think of anything else. A week or so ago, I would've said things were getting back to normal, my feelings returning to more stable and steady ones. It's just up and down though really.
On to something a little lighter, I've been looking at jewellery, trying to find the perfect piece to wear, to always remind me, but in a positive way, to remind me of the 15.5 weeks we shared together. Of the little time, but really happy time we shared. I've seen a couple of chains with charms on, but still not found exactly what I want. Whatever that is!?
I've been keeping busy with our new chickens too....can't wait until they start laying, and we can have fresh eggs for brekky!
Keeping busy renovating my old dolls house for my daughter's birthday aswell. Loving seeing it change, but also a bit sentimental and sad tearing off the wallpaper that my father and mother so lovingly put on for me when I was 4 years old. They're happy I'm passing it on to her though.
Enough for now anyway. After not writing for so long, I just can't stop now! I may write about my job ideas tomorrow or when I next have time. I'd love some advice about it all too, if anyone would like to offer any. I'm at a point where I could start anything, but have restrictions as I want to be close to home, and my daughter and things. Will explain more soon.
I've felt a little sad on and off over the last week. I spent the day with my pregnant best friend, and her 1yr old son a few days ago. It was a beautiful day, spent out in the garden, enjoying the weather, company and food (and new chickens in the garden!), and just chatting about everything as normal. My miscarriage didn't enter into the conversation until she was leaving, so it was quite a nice day of uplifting company. After she'd left though, I felt quite sad, thinking of how she's now at the stage in her pregnancy that I was when I was miscarrying, and she looks so good, bump growing, herself glowing and happy, the way it should be....but with me feeling not jealous, but sad, knowing I should've been like she is, instead of having just a small bump, carrying my baby who'd passed away. I expect to feel like this whenever I see her from now on, which isn't a nice prospect, as I'm so so happy for her and her family, so don't want it linked to my sadness and loss. I look forward to the day she gives birth next January, a month after I was due, but I also dread it, knowing the heart ache I'm likely to feel when I hold her baby for the first time, just a few days old, just a month after I should've been holding my own.
The other day, I asked the doctor if it was normal that I was still bleeding, 5 weeks from when I started miscarrying. It appeared as though the last week has been like menstruation, rather than the end of my miscarriage, although the gynae consultant had said I'd bleed until my uterus was empty, then have a few weeks of not bleeding, before my period. Anyway, the doc said that it was normal, and that by having a natural miscarriage, with no intervention, I could bleed for some time. Put my mind at rest, but doesn't make it any less frustrating, and annoying. The worst thing is, that earlier tonight, I was thinking of if I'd ever bled for this long before, and I could only think back to when I'd given birth to my daughter. Then I thought how that time was not annoying at all, but a happy feeling, being so totally consumed with happiness of caring for my baby, that I couldn't care less if I'd have continued bleeding for months and months. This time, seeing the blood, I'm reminded again and again of what's happened, and I have no beautiful baby to in my arms to take my mind off it.
I still find myself crying tears silently at night, on my husbands shoulder, just thinking too much about what's happened, why, and what could've been. It's not every night like a month ago, but it's still every few days. Seven and a half weeks ago I heard the news from the ultrasound. 2 days ago, on the 30th, was a month since my baby left my tummy, and a month before yesterday was when I said my goodbyes and buried them. It's difficult to just not think about it all. Most of the day I can stay distracted, but at times when it's quiet, especially going to bed, it's impossible to think of anything else. A week or so ago, I would've said things were getting back to normal, my feelings returning to more stable and steady ones. It's just up and down though really.
On to something a little lighter, I've been looking at jewellery, trying to find the perfect piece to wear, to always remind me, but in a positive way, to remind me of the 15.5 weeks we shared together. Of the little time, but really happy time we shared. I've seen a couple of chains with charms on, but still not found exactly what I want. Whatever that is!?
I've been keeping busy with our new chickens too....can't wait until they start laying, and we can have fresh eggs for brekky!
Keeping busy renovating my old dolls house for my daughter's birthday aswell. Loving seeing it change, but also a bit sentimental and sad tearing off the wallpaper that my father and mother so lovingly put on for me when I was 4 years old. They're happy I'm passing it on to her though.
Enough for now anyway. After not writing for so long, I just can't stop now! I may write about my job ideas tomorrow or when I next have time. I'd love some advice about it all too, if anyone would like to offer any. I'm at a point where I could start anything, but have restrictions as I want to be close to home, and my daughter and things. Will explain more soon.
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