I'm getting tired. Not from my very low iron levels (for a change!), but from hearing my daughter keep talking about her little brother or sister in every other conversation. She says, "I know, I could give this blah blah to my little brother or sister to play with, they'd like that!", and "when I'm older, I'll take my little brother or sister to the park, and they can play on the slide!", and "When am I going to have a little brother or sister?". I'm tired of answering and pretending it's ok, saying "If you have one, one day, that'd be nice", and "I don't know when, or if, maybe it'll happen one day." She even asked me "Why did my baby brother or sister die?". Hard one to answer, not knowing the reason, and trying to stay calm while answering too.
I sigh a lot these days, people have noticed. I'm just not sure what's going on in my head. More often than not, I feel like it'd be normal for me to want to try to get pregnant again soon, but I just don't have that feeling. I do feel that I'm missing my baby, and the dreams of when it would be born and become part of our family, and I feel I want my daughter to have a sibling soon, but I just feel a bit like I'd be replacing my baby who died, which feels wrong somehow. I know it wouldn't be like that, it'd be a whole new spirit, but I think I'm just really really confused. I'd probably be really wanting to try again if I didn't have my daughter already, it must change things.
Earlier, my daughter said "Mum, will you always be my mummy, even when I have my little brother or sister?". I said "Yes, of course, I'll always be your mum, forever, only if you had a brother or sister, you'd share me with them." My husband, who's usually quiet in these times, said "And when you have a baby brother or sister, I'll be their daddy too, and I'll cuddle them, like you, and you'll share me too". This, together with the fact he's been holding his bosses new born daughter, and has pictures of him cuddling her, makes me feel like he's wanting us to try again. I really don't know. I know he wasn't keen before I fell pregnant, although was very happy when I was. I just don't know how it'd make me feel if he did want to try for another now. It'd probably confuse me even more! (We're not the best at communicating on this issue, as you may have guessed!)
One nice thing to write though, is that after such a totally rotten year, I've booked us a family holiday to Sardinia later in the year. Feel we all need it, and really deserve it. (Don't feel we can afford it, but hey, we'll cope somehow!)
I sigh a lot these days, people have noticed. I'm just not sure what's going on in my head. More often than not, I feel like it'd be normal for me to want to try to get pregnant again soon, but I just don't have that feeling. I do feel that I'm missing my baby, and the dreams of when it would be born and become part of our family, and I feel I want my daughter to have a sibling soon, but I just feel a bit like I'd be replacing my baby who died, which feels wrong somehow. I know it wouldn't be like that, it'd be a whole new spirit, but I think I'm just really really confused. I'd probably be really wanting to try again if I didn't have my daughter already, it must change things.
Earlier, my daughter said "Mum, will you always be my mummy, even when I have my little brother or sister?". I said "Yes, of course, I'll always be your mum, forever, only if you had a brother or sister, you'd share me with them." My husband, who's usually quiet in these times, said "And when you have a baby brother or sister, I'll be their daddy too, and I'll cuddle them, like you, and you'll share me too". This, together with the fact he's been holding his bosses new born daughter, and has pictures of him cuddling her, makes me feel like he's wanting us to try again. I really don't know. I know he wasn't keen before I fell pregnant, although was very happy when I was. I just don't know how it'd make me feel if he did want to try for another now. It'd probably confuse me even more! (We're not the best at communicating on this issue, as you may have guessed!)
One nice thing to write though, is that after such a totally rotten year, I've booked us a family holiday to Sardinia later in the year. Feel we all need it, and really deserve it. (Don't feel we can afford it, but hey, we'll cope somehow!)
No comments:
Post a Comment